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Aged 13, Ashley became the sole carer for her mum. She says it made their relationship "really hostile".

This post mentions depression and anxiety and may be triggering for some readers. 

At 13, Ashley's life was very different to that of other teenagers. 

When her mother's arthritis and bursitis suddenly became too painful to cope with, she was unable to continue working. With her depression and anxiety also reaching a peak, her mother found herself requiring immediate care. 

"It was a downhill spiral really quickly," Ashley Hall told Mamamia. 

Watch: How to talk to people with anxiety. Post continues below. 


Video via Mamamia. 

Her mother began receiving the Disability Support Pension, but with money still tight and none of her other siblings living at home, Ashley was left with no choice but to become her mother's sole carer. 

It's a role that unceremoniously fell on her and one she would hold for the next five years. 

"I did it because no one else was doing it. If I didn't cook dinner, we wouldn't have dinner and if I didn't clean, it didn't get done," she shared for National Carers Week. 

Thrusted into adulthood at a young age, Ashley would spend three hours after school cleaning the house, going grocery shopping and making sure there was dinner on the table for herself and her mum, as well as her dog and two cats.

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"I got home from school and I started to prepare for dinner and get any groceries we needed... I would also make sure the house was clean, look after the pets and then clean up after dinner."

She would also accompany her mum on errands to the doctor and chemist, which her mother depended on in the later years when she required a wheelchair. 

"Because of my mum's mental illness, she stayed at home a lot, but when she did go out, I'd always have to make sure I was available, which meant as a teenager I didn't really go out much."

But besides taking her mum to her appointments, Ashley says "she didn't necessarily spend much time with me".

"Often I felt like I lived alone or I lived with a roommate, not like it was me living with my mum."

On weekends, instead of going shopping or to the movies with friends like other girls her age, Ashley would mostly spend time at home. On the occasion she did go stay at a friend's house, there would be a lot of preparation involved.

"I would have to make sure dinner was in the fridge for that night, because I wasn't gonna be there, and there were a lot of things I had to do in preparation. It wasn't just as easy as my friend asked me to come over in 30 minutes, it had to be planned."

With her mum not working, money also became an obstacle to hanging out with friends. In fact, money was something Ashley began concerned about at a young age. 

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"I was always very aware of how much money we didn't have [and] how stressed we were about the rent. And I think that's played a big part in my adult budgeting skills," she explained. 

Their financial situation became particularly apparent to Ashley at school. 

"Seeing the difference that some other kids got to experience going on family holidays, doing things with their friends, going shopping... I noticed that, and it took a toll on me."

"I didn't get to experience going on school camps and extracurricular activities. If I wanted to do that stuff, I had to pay for it... But I didn't have the time to get a job."

Thankfully, her teachers were there to offer some support over the years. 

"In year 12, my coordinator actually paid for me to go on camp. There's so many opportunities where people looked after me so that I didn't have to miss out."

However, as a teenager with adult responsibilities, Ashley's mental health stated to decline. She eventually lost focus on school and her attendance began to drop off. 

"When the people that you look up to don't get out of bed until midday, it's hard for you to motivate yourself to get out of the bed to go to school," she shared. 

"I just didn't have the motivation, there was so much to do at home and I was just exhausted and really resentful."

It got to the point where Ashley lost hope things would ever change. 

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"I just started to think this is my life now, this is what I'm going to end up doing... And once I started dropping off from school, I started being behind my peers and I felt like I was just falling behind more and more every day."

"I sort of felt like people just thought it was normal and expected of a daughter to do this. But there was a voice in the back of my head all the time that said, 'No, this isn't normal. This should be appreciated'... But I didn't feel that at the time."

Over time, her relationship with her mum, who she always looked up to growing up, started to suffer. 

"It became really hostile," Ashley shared. 

"I needed support through all the things I experienced as a normal teenager like mental health and body image. You sort of need a maternal figure in your life, and I was lacking that. So I think my teenage brain blamed my mum for a lot of stuff."

Thankfully, Ashley's school stepped in to offer her support and she was assigned a wellbeing worker in year 11, who helped her access vouchers for things like new school shoes and gave her someone to talk to about things at home. 

"If I ever needed to go in and spend some time with her and talk to her about what's on my shoulders and what I'm stressed about, she'd listen."

It was also thanks to Ashley's wellbeing worker that she realised she was a carer for the first time. 

"I didn't really see myself as a carer until my wellbeing worker referred me for the Young Carer Bursary payment with Carers Australia. And then I thought 'I actually qualify for some... I am a young carer.' And that's when I started to see myself as someone that volunteered to help someone else, not just something that I have to do, and I have no choice in it."

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"That was like a lightbulb moment." 

The Young Carer Bursary also helped her afford driving lessons and buy her first car, which gave her back a sense of independence. 

"I didn't realise how much not having my licence and a car was holding me back from so many opportunities, just getting out of the house and doing whatever I please. I didn't have any barriers anymore."

She also found support in the Geelong Kokoda Youth Program, which saw her walk the Kokoda Track after training for 15 weeks, and also helped her connect with business owners to land her first ever part-time job when she turned 18. 

That year, Ashley was able to move out of home and begin focusing on her future.

"It was hard [moving out] because of the guilt... But if I wanted to study and get a full-time job, there's no way I could have stayed caring for my mum. So I had to put myself first in order to achieve my career. But it always is hard to do that because you know there's someone that relied on you for so long."

After high school, Ashley ended up studying community services to become a school counsellor, "because my school counsellor helped me so much".

Image: Supplied. 

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She now works as a Student Wellbeing Co-ordinator, helping kids from five to 12 years old.  

"It's just amazing. I love being the person that they call on and I love being able to have contact with families and just being someone that can offer support."

While she doesn't have a relationship with her mum, who is now being cared for by her brother, Ashley credits her experience as a carer for everything it taught her. 

The biggest thing is just like the independence that I learned. At the time, I hated it but looking back, I'm so glad I had to learn things for myself at a young age... Having gone through everything I've gone through, I know what I'm capable of and I strive really high."

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Nevertheless, Ashley says it's important for everyone in the community to look out for young people who may be carers - without knowing it themselves - and be there to offer them a helping hand. 

"The biggest message for adults that are involved in young peoples' lives, is to just keep an eye out, because young kids aren't going to walk around with a badge that says 'I'm a young carer'.

"When you're experiencing it, you don't realise that it's happening."

At the end of the day, Ashley says having your child care for you should always be seen as a privilege. 

"You're volunteering hours of your life, and you're only a teenager once so you're making a big sacrifice for someone. 

"You're really privileged if one of your kids wants to put their hand up to care for you. I just think it shouldn't ever be expected of young people."

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia. 

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