Because, everyone’s doing it.
I was chastened. Criticising the pseudoscience of “healthy” diets has seen me rebuked for not having the qualifications necessary to offer an opinion. After all, how would I know anything about something unless I studied or experienced it myself? (For example, you can’t say that crushing up crystal methamphetamine and rubbing it into our eyes is bad for us unless you have first-hand experience of it.)
Thus, to silence my critics, I set out to become a Real Qualified Practitioner of Wellness (TM).
It was admittedly hard to choose from the myriad of courses available. The most popular option was the Health Coach Certification offered by the Institute for Integrative Nutrition – an unaccredited New York outfit who have trained up ALL the big names. I do mean all of them: Pete Evans (king of paleo and hypervitaminosis himself), Miranda Kerr, Pippa Middleton and Charlotte Carr (co-writer of Evans’s paleo cookbook and voice-over actress for the not-remotely-paleo KFC) are all graduates. Regrettably, I lacked the $5995 to earn the right to call myself a ‘Health Coach’. (I also have an anaphylactic allergy to Deepak Chopra, so this was definitely out.)
Then, I received an email from a group-buying website, offering me the opportunity to earn a Paleo Nutritionist diploma for the competitive price of $29, which would allow me to “make Paleo living a career” and “become qualified to run a practice” in telling people to live like our paleolithic ancestors. (Not the ones with astronomically high infant mortality rates and a surfeit of land-based predators, obviously: the sexy ones who drink bulletproof coffee and eat meat and wear those creepy toe-shoes to go to Crossfit gyms modelled after the ones our ancestors worked out in during the Pleistocene.)