The only way my friends will let me play my iPod at a party is if they’re feeling whimsical or if they are, in actual fact, asleep. With good reason too, I’ll cautiously admit. It contains abominations of music on there not seen since a tape recorder playing a Billy Ray Cyrus mix tape was eaten by a lawnmower.
So you have to understand when I say I’m talking about the ‘worst’ songs of the 1990s the term ‘best’ is also interchangeable. Like hot chips and party clowns, the music is so bad it’s good.
Rolling Stone Magazine asked its readers for their suggestions to come up with a ‘top 10’ (or bottom 10, depending on how you look at it) and we thought we’d augment that with some of our own suggestions. So it’s kind of like an horrific cyborg of terrible, kitsch, fabulous music from the decade that taste forgot.
We’ll start from the ‘worst’, as decided by Rolling Stone:
1. Barbie Girl, by Aqua.
She’s just a blonde, bimbo girl, in a faaaaaantasy world. This is apparently the worst song of the 90s. I beg to differ. It’s on my iPod and I listened to it as recently as yesterday. I will not apologise.
2. Macerena, by Los Del Rio.
The dance performed by my mum at every social gathering ever. She still fumbles the moves, but not nearly as badly as she does the words.
3. Achy Breaky Heart, by Billy Ray Cyrus.
This slightly boot-scootin’ ballad of heartache (and break) has been an earworm since 1992. That’s almost two decades of sheer awfulness. But don’t worry. Billy gave us Miley Cyrus to atone for his sins. Wait, what?
4. Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
He really likes the word ‘ice’. This was a classic one hit wonder rap song about I-still-don’t-know-what. Ice?
5. Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a cider drink. Oh. Get. Out. Of. My. Head.
6.MMMBop, by Hanson
The three long-haired brothers that sang this ditty are all grown-up now and married with kids. Meanwhile this song lingers in our collective subconscious. I call that fleeing the scene of a crime.
7. My Heart Will Go On, by Celine Dion
And on. And on. And on. But it’s OK because I liked it then and I like it now. Judge not lest ye be judged.