If you’re looking for sex advice – or even just advice on how the whole anatomy thing even works – we suggest you steer clear of women’s magazines and maybe talk to a science teacher instead.
We asked and had a bit of a dig around, and this is some of the worst sex advice that’s ever been printed on paper. We recommend you don’t. Just. Don’t.
“Put an ice cube in your mouth to give a blow job.”
Does any guy actually enjoy this?
“For a hand job, pretend you are juicing a lemon on the tip.”
Ouch. Also, something to think about the next time you’re squeezing lemons.
"Look up at him while you're giving him a blow job."
Um sure, if you want to crick your neck.
"Have sex standing up against a wall."
No. Because, impossible.
"Have shower sex! Or spa sex! Or pool sex!"
Pretty sure all of the above will give you some kind of yeast infection.
"The wheelbarrow sex position."
"Wake him up with a blow job in bed."
This could go really badly if he wakes up and is terrified because he doesn't know what's going on.
"If you're a guy, pee inside the girl after you finish, but before you pull out so you don't have to use a condom. The ammonia in your urine will neutralise the sperm."
Ewwwwww. Also, doctors say urine is not a spermicide and you are likely to get a nasty infection, so... please don't.
"Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can."
So... It's a Chinese burn for the penis?
"Scatter marbles all over the bed for a cool sensation."
How about we... don't.
"Bring chocolate sauce to bed and slather it anywhere he should pay attention."
Seriously? We just washed the sheets.
LISTEN: We need to talk about blokes and orgasms. Post continues below.
"Put on a British accent."
"To tease him, hover just above the tip of his penis."
What, like a helicopter?
"Stop mid-action and point out a camera you've set up in the corner of the room."
Uh, that's illegal.
So, what have we learnt here, people? Absolutely nothing. Don't try any of this at home.