Kids on planes suck, right?
There is nothing worse.
Those sweaty little bodies, germy and foul running amok.
The high-pitched screaming of those inconsiderate babies.
Makes you want to plug your ears with the complimentary ear plugs (except you have to be in business class to get them.)
The kids should be banned from planes. They should travel by bus. Hell, make ‘em walk.
We’ve all heard it before.
We know that kids on planes are among the most hated group of humans on the planet.
We know that once you become a parent and you decide to travel the only way you will be socially accepted is to create those little goodie bags of sweets and ear plugs and valium and hand them around when you board along with a note you pretend your two-month old has written.
But the fact is that parents DO travel – and they take their kids with them and fellow passengers just have to suck it up – or travel first class where the only kids they will meet are the likes of Mariah Carey’s little duo.
Who, I am sure are delightful.
Just this past week the hashtag #Childfreeflights has been trending after a British journalist (and mother-of-one) went on a morning talk show and called for planes to establish "child-free” flights, where kids are black-listed.
Kind of like adults-only planes but without the kinky stuff.
Well, I for one am sick of these calls.
What’s so wrong with kids on planes that a grown adult can’t just recline their seat, stick in their complimentary earplugs and enjoy some Broken Bad re-runs?
There are tons of things worse than kids on planes – and many more hashtags I would prefer to get trending.
How can you complain about the sweet almost lamb-like cry of a newborn when you can hardly hear it over the congested wheezing of a middle-aged man’s nostrils?
The flailed nostrils, the choking gasp. Each and every snort accompanied by the echo of a snot just waiting to be exhaled.
2. Brightly lit iPads at night.
Once again, unless you are up the pointy end those snug-as-a-bug eye masks don’t seem to be handed out in designer gift bags anymore do they? And who remembers to actually bring their own?
There is nothing quite as torturous as trying to sleep and having a halo of ultra bright light shining in your eyes from the guy across the aisle’s iPad playing Candy Crush right through the darkeness.
3. Drunken obnoxious businessmen.
Or businesswomen. No stereotypes here. Yes, sir I am sure you will sober up by the time the taxi gets you home. Your wife won't suspect a thing.
4. Women with too much perfume.
Am I stereotyping again? The bloke with the over-applied Hugo Boss eau de cologne isn’t much better.
See Sir Patrick Stewart's rendition of the most annoying people on planes. We think he nails it.( Post continues after video)
5. People with small bladders in window seats.
Plan ahead. Drink less. Ask for the aisle people.
Take it from a been-pregnant-three-times woman you can work this out.
6. Those who remove their socks.
Please consider your neighbours.
7. People who bring take away food on to flights.
Have you ever experienced the smell of fast food permeating the air in a stale cabin for three hours?
Have you ever sat next to the bag of left overs shoved under the seat in the hopes that no one will notice the smell of this morning’s stale breakfast wrap. It always seems like a good idea at the time doesn’t it?
8. Happy chatterers.
Yes. Nice weather isn’t it. Yes. We are going on a trip. Yes, I am placing these ear buds in with the sincere hope you get the message quickly. I DO NOT WANT TO CHAT.
9. Loud laughers.
You know the type? They have downloaded every episode of Arrested Development and have settled in, socks off for a jet fuelled binge-watching-bonanza.
And they laugh.
Loud hearty guffaws.
Rip snorting, side-clutching, plane shattering heaves of pleasure.
And you get to sit next to them and experience every single shudder.
10. Seat recliners.
It’s the age-old debate isn’t it? When to recline. Whether to dare. The etiquette as to whether you can recline during the meal. It's not Gold Class at the movies. Be considerate.
11. Sick people.
The sneezes. The coughing. The hacking. The nose blowing. The air cabin jam-packed with hundreds of thousands of particles of OTHER PEOPLE’S MUCUS with nowhere to escape to.
12. People who stand in the aisles.
Move along folks. Nothing to see here. Except for the screaming baby.
What do you think is more annoying than kids on flights?