Ok, so here’s the thing.
There is a lady in America (where else?) who, erm, lifts things with her vagina.
Yes, you read that correctly: she LIFTS things with her VAGINA.
44-year-old Kim Anami is a self-professed “Vaginal Kung Fu Master,” and has gone viral (poor choice of word) this week with her unconventional weight-lifting skills. To be specific, Kim has strengthened and trained her vaginal muscles to be able to lift everything from surfboards to mangoes. Oh honey, that’s just the TIP of the vaginally-suspended iceberg. We highly recommend you take a moment to peruse Kim’s aesthetically-beautiful-but-conceptually-confusing Instagram account, where you can see her lift the following objects with her coochie with the hashtag #thingsIliftwithmyvagina. (LOL)
The LA Series. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina And the Oscar goes to… My vagina. Best Supporting Vagina winner, for sure. I’m standing on Hollywood Boulevard, on the Walk of Fame. My vagina is hovering over the “star” of Hedy Lamarr. Some historical vagina for you: Hedy is the reason why most of you are even reading this right now. You could say she’s the most influential woman of our modern age. Not only was she touted in her day as being the “world’s most beautiful woman” by Louis B. Meyer, she had the first non-pornographic onscreen orgasm in the 1933 silent film “Ecstasy.” My kinda girl. It gets better. Tiring of acting, she took up inventing. Lamarr co-developed a frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology that is the basis for modern wifi communication. She registered the patent with her cofounder in 1942 and was inducted into the Inventor’s Hall of Fame in 2014. Beauty, brains, vagina. Even I’m impressed. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu #vaginalsuperpowers #bestsupportingvagina #theoscargoesto #oscars A photo posted by Kim Anami (@kimanami) on
A bowl of paella
A venetian mirror
A jar of pesto
A jar of truffle oil
Salvador Dali lips
A conch shell, and my personal favourite…
An Oscar statue.
But don’t think Kim is just a muffy-stunt-woman. She is a professional coach, helping women around the world strengthen their vag-jay-jays.
On her website, www.kimanami.com, Kim gets straight to the point, asking visitors:
“As a modern-day sexual savant, it is my experience that nearly every woman has a weak, under-performing, under-pleasuring vagina. Is yours?”
*Cue blank face*
I mean, do I have a weak vagina? I don’t even know. Is that BAD that I don’t know?
#Things I Lift with My Vagina New year, new vagina. It’s that time you’ve all been waiting for: Vaginal Kung Fu 2015. The free video series is up, as a preview to the upcoming 8-week salon. If you haven’t watched them yet, you can sign up for access. Link in bio. In celebration of this year’s salon, and to raise vaginal power—and pleasure— awareness globally, I have embarked on a new campaign: #thingsiliftwithmyvagina This educational challenge features me traveling the world, lifting objects indigenous to various regions, with my vagina. Stay tuned for my vaginal adventures. This is me in Venice Beach, with my special new surfboard carrier: my vagina. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkkungfu
Kim goes on to explain on her website that weak vaginal muscles can lead to numbness, reduced sexual pleasure, and urinary incontinence. However, all is not lost: by training the muscles using a, ahem, jade egg, she promises you will:
- Have better orgasms. (By better I mean, mind, body and spirit altering orgasms that are longer, deeper, more intense, and include the ability to ejaculate.)
- Keep your internal organs (i.e. no pelvic organ) from prolapsing.
- Have an easier childbirth and recover more quickly afterward.
- Up your libido. When the vagina is weak, it feels numb. Sex is infinitely more pleasurable with a sensitive and articulate vagina.
- Eliminate issues of urinary incontinence.
- Increase circulation in the vaginal canal and produce lubrication more easily.
- Be able to shoot ping pong balls. This is every woman’s God-given right.
Although there is a big part of us being all like, leave my poor vagina alone, I don’t need a Schwarzenegger pussy; there is a small part of us wondering if this is maybe a REALLY GREAT IDEA.
But mostly we’re just wondering where the hell we could get away with practicing lifting a pineapple via a jade egg in our vagina.