kids

Mamamia recaps Wife Swap: One mum wants the kids to be 'louder' and no one... wants that.

Instantly there is so much screaming, and already this feels like a personal attack.

Between yells we're introduced to the Lange family, who will now be forever referred to as the Loud family. This is because they are very, very noisy and also because this is a family of... *checks notes*...

Oh f**k no.

...11 CHILDREN.

Mr and Mrs Loud attempt to list their 11 children by name and both of them stuff it up. 

"Did we miss any? That'd be awkward."

Yes. Yes, it would be. 

Ooop.

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Because the whole premise of this show is to get opposite families who will absolutely despise each other's lifestyles to swap, the family that's about to do the old switcheroo with the Loud fam is (of course) the Mute fam. 

The Mute family love to do things swiftly, efficiently and with no words at all. Things like, children brushing their teeth while their owner watches over them for inconsistencies. 

They have no TV on during the week and no junk food in the house. Which means, as a treat, the kids eat... feta.

It's time for the lady-wife-ladies to swap!

Mrs Mute is taking a tour of her new home and is trying to count the beds and shoes to figure out how many kids she'll be dealing with.

"Is it six kids? Surely not. That's too many!"

Oh, sweetie.

She finds the toothbrushes. There's enough to clean the mouths of a small army.

"They must not ever throw out their old toothbrushes."

And then she spots the family photos. 

"One, two, three, four... eleven? That must be all the cousins."

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The lady-wife-ladies meet their new respective families and Mrs Mute goes ghostly white as all 11 kids pile in. Mrs Loud instead stares at her two new kids and already looks bored at this very manageable amount of children.

It's dinner time! And the Mute family are having some sort of vegetable curry, with Mr Mute choosing to eat alone outside. It's all very eery and very, very quiet.

At the Loud household, Mrs Mute is tasked with feeding 11 children all at once - so on the menu is their favourite dish: Rice with ketchup.

Nope.

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She personally opts to go sans-sauce for her dinner, so is left to battle through a giant bowl of plain white rice.

My mouth is getting claggier by the second just watching it. 

Even more nope.

Because both of these lady-wife-ladies are traumatised with their surroundings, they are literally itching to create their own rules. So let's hear them. Now.

Mrs Mute is cutting sugar, stopping the older kids from doing the washing up and culling a LOT of toys. Kid six, seven and eight (and maybe nine) immediately start crying and kid 10's face does this:

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"Thank you for having me in your beautiful home. It sure does run like clockwork," says Mrs Loud in the most monotone way, that has me seriously concerned that she has had a mid-episode lobotomy.

Mrs Loud cuts out hovering over the kids while they do their homework, and she throws out every single clock in the house. For her golden rule she brings in... FUN. Which obviously means a pizza party will be happening. Because that is the epitome of fun. 

It goes down like a cheesy treat should. Deliciously. 

The Mute kids speak up for the first time in the episode to say that they would rate this party "100 out of 10", which is bad maths but great feedback. 

Back at the Loud house, the toy de-cluttering is happening and the kids are weirdly on board with it. But Mr Loud is having an actual tantrum. 

Mr Loud fights Mrs Mute on every, single piece of duplo. And then when Mrs Mute tries to throw out a pile of old homework, he completely loses his nut.

"NO. THIS IS MY DECISION." 

This is quickly turning into an episode of Hoaders.

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It's time for the lady-wife-ladies and the men-husband-men to sit round a table together and have a rant. My favourite part...

But I have one major question for Mr and Mrs Loud: How did you find a babysitter for 11 children?

Unsurprising for everyone who has suffered through this episode, Mr Loud is still p*ssed off about Mrs Mute trying to throw out his duplo. He is refusing to budge, and I'm pretty sure he's got duplo in every single one of his pockets.

My theory is completely validated in the sign-off recap, where this slide appeared...

Classic Mr Loud.

Kid 11's face says it all...

Feature Image: Seven Network + Mamamia.