reality tv

Mamamia recaps Wife Swap: No, these grown adults need to leave their poor mother alone.

Everything kicks off with a Cardi B backing track, which has me in a poppy, peppy mood... until I remember I am about to sit through 52 minutes of complete and utter chaos.

I'm watching Wife Swap, and the first lady-wife-lady has appeared on screen and she's straddling a yacht. 

Excellent.

"I take photos of myself everyday. I have about 80,000 followers on Instagram. My world is 'selfie world'."

And she's not telling porkies, as the next shot is of her taking a self timer picture whilst posing in her child's cot.

Nothing to see here folks.

Selfie Mum has two 'don't see, don't hear' kids which I won't attempt to remember their names because it is blatantly obvious that they will not be uttering a word this entire episode.

The lady-wife-lady that Selfie Mum will be swapping with is Sheree who describes herself as a "no frills" mum who has many kids and many more grandkids who all live at home, who she cooks for and cleans up after on the daily. For this reason, she will henceforth be referred to as Servant Mum.

The two get shipped to their new homes, and Selfie Mum, we have one question for you: Did you think through these shoes?

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Selfie Mum is thrown in at the deep end having to whip up dinner for thousands of children, before more grown-upper ones arrive with their own children. I'm desperately trying to do a headcount, but MORE KIDS KEEP APPEARING.

The grown-up children reveal they pop round every day for two reasons:
a) a free dinner
b) to pick up their washing from their tired, broken Servant Mum.

Selfie Mum thinks this is shocking news and so aggressively chops her 14th onion.

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Meanwhile on the Gold Coast, Servant Mum is forced to tick off her first task of the swap: A selfie shoot.

She picks up a pair of sunglasses, throws on a wrap dress and sits on the posing-cot. 

She looks... deeply uncomfortable.

But what did she have to worry about? Because we have seen the final pictures and... SOMEONE CALL VOGUE, WE HAVE OURSELVES A NATURAL. 

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While Servant Mum is negotiating the details of her modelling contract, Selfie Mum is doing her 900th load of laundry and we must stop programming immediately because...

She's lost a diamante. 

Off her fingernail.

Over on the Gold Coast, Servant Mum and her new husband-man-husband are throwing a party for themselves and their friends. There is champagne. Almost everyone is wearing white. And the kids are trapped behind a window on mute. 

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Servant Mum thinks that Selfie Mum and her new husband-man-husband have a lifestyle you're meant to have before you have kids. You know, because their children are currently in a cage while they serve up olive tapenade. 

Speaking of cages... Selfie Mum is officially running a residential laundromat and she ain't happy. 

Especially because half the s**t she's cleaning belongs to the grown up kids that don't even live there anymore. She flips the laundry basket and tells these grown women to kindly take their clothes away from her before she actually murders them.

But there's no time for the grown up kids to fight back, because Selfie Mum gets to flip the rules now, and she SHARN'T be holding back. 

She makes the 'golden rule' of the household that the grown up kids are only allowed to visit three times a week. And that they need to leave the house immediately, cos Selfie Mum is quite frankly over their bulls**t. (And by bulls**t, we mean laundry.)

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The grown up kids go to their cars wailing, "but we always put our coffee cups in the sink".

It appears they do not understand the problem. 

But Selfie Mum forges on and presents the at-home kids with 'presents', including dusters and a laundry basket (read: the murder weapon). 

Fanks.

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While the kids get cracking with the cleaning, Selfie Mum is taking her fake husband-man-husband out on a hot date. And he looks terrified. 

"I've never been on a date with another woman."

BLESS YOU SWEETIE.

The romance between the two is unsurprisingly a non-starter, so perhaps it's time to go home.

The lady-wife-ladies and husband-man-husbands gather around a table to rip the s**t out of each other. Servant Mum says Selfie Mum doesn't spend enough time with her kids and Selfie Mum returns that brutal serve by saying her kids spend too much time with her. 

Servant Mum cannot return that shot. She crumbles. Tears be spilling. 

...and Servant Mum hasn't even found out that her children have been murdered with a laundry basket. 

We guess she'll find that out soon. 

We hope. 

UNTIL NEXT TIME.

Feature Image: Seven.