It should be a barrier. You know it should be a barrier.
He’s married, he’s in a relationship, he has kids, he’s taken.
But you still want him. Not only want him. You’re convinced you are perfect for him.
The story of falling for an unavailable man is not new. It’s been told a million times, throughout centuries and across the world. But why does it happen?
There are a few possible reasons. But they’re all down to you.
Is it because it’s forbidden?
There’s the chase. The exciting, all-encompassing, body-tingling, butterfly-inducing chase.
It’s the “you want what you can’t have” syndrome. And neither person being able to act on what they’re feeling adds to the tension and amplifies/romanticises all of it. – Amber, 27.
In these cases his unavailability is part of the lure in the first place. It’s not so much that you believe you’re perfect for him, because you likely wouldn’t like him so much if he wasn’t taken. It’s more to do with the exhilaration, freedom and occupation that comes from wanting someone you are not meant to have.
This tendency is likely down to your own emotional availability. Maybe the ring on his finger matches the walls you have protecting yourself. That’s why it’s convenient. Because it’s superficial, distracting and also impossible.
“We tend to seek out a relationship that mirrors who we are. If she is going after unavailable men, it is likely because she has some walls built up to protect herself and is not very emotionally available,” human behaviour researcher Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D. told More.com.
You’d be perfect together, you’re just waiting for him to see it.
You love him. You are convinced you know him better than his wife or partner. Maybe he makes you feel that way, maybe it’s all in your head.
Either way, you love him because it’s safe. It’s easy to give all of yourself to someone who you know cannot reciprocate it. You have no expectations and you can live blissfully (longingly) in your head and heart, believing that it would be perfect, that you could be together, there’s only one thing stopping you…
“We want someone we see all the time, who is in our circle but unreachable, who is in our past but untouchable. That seems romantic, and easy to picture,” author and columnist Heather Havrilesky wrote in The Cut. “We know how he would laugh, how he would stare adoringly.Instead of starting from scratch, you’re using a character that’s already fully fleshed-out — like a Ken doll — and placing him in each of your imaginary scenes. That’s not falling in love, though. That’s playing games of make-believe.”