If you're a 'bitch' to your partner, relationship coach Nicole Mathieson knows why. 

You thought you were the only one who was mean to their beloved? I’m afraid not. You are in good company.

The ones we love the most, cop it the most. I mean, it makes a lot of sense on so may levels. But sometimes we get stuck there in bitch mode, festering away without things getting better.

So let’s get clear here, why are we being such bitches to the people who love us?

Here are some of the top reasons:

  • We are with this person A LOT
  • We are with them for the long haul (think all kinds of future pressure here)
  • Sometimes they are just friggin’ idiots
  • There is often financial, kids, time or other pressures on us both
  • We need to let off steam and we prefer to do it somewhere safe – our partners are a safe place
  • Our emotional well-being is highly tied to our relationship
  • We are emotional, not to even mention hormonal, creatures
  • We have watched way too many fairy-tales about how love should look and now we have unrealistic expectations

Just to name a few…

And we can be a bitch in so many different ways. Some subtle, some ugly, but all of them uninspiring.

Here’s just a some of the ways we make our loved ones feel crap:

  • Getting highly emotional and losing our shit (saying nasty things)
  • Holding back love and sex
  • Nagging, sniping and getting cranky over the small stuff
  • Not being honest about what we want, need or feel (yep, it is bitchy)
  • Being overly sensitive and defensive
  • Being critical and hard to please
  • Blaming them for everything
  • Emotional manipulation
  • Escape to the bottle of wine, TV, work or kids rather than give the relationship your presence

It’s not all bad. Believe me. Stay with me. It is OK to be mean sometimes.

Image: Getty.

It can clear the vents, create a ripple effect for good and even make you feel empowered. But, if you feel stuck in bitch mode, it most likely isn’t working for you and it may be time to find a more aware and conscious approach. It may be time to take some responsibility and start doing what you can do to change things up for a more satisfying love and life.

Now that you recognise your default pattern/s of meanness, it is time to ask yourself the big WHY.

And the question here is “Why do I behave like this?” Your ego may jump on this, giving you the easy road out with the blame game. 'He is not doing this, he is so ____, I am not respected'.

But before you get lost in your head with this, just pause for a moment, take a deep breath and sink into your heart. Trust me here, blame does not help you grow. It keeps you small and trapped. So let’s get past the blame. What is the deeper why?

Take three deep breaths into your heart. Allow yourself to be present and still. And this is how the answer may start; I am a bitch to my beloved because I am afraid of (insert). Take some time here. Brainstorm it out. Journal, meditate or just take a moment. We all have a deeper fear at play.


A response might arise such as:

  • They don't respect me
  • I am stuffing this marriage thing up
  • They are bored with me
  • They are not hearing my needs
  • They might leave me

And what is beneath these fears, if we shine a light deep into our soul? It is most likely the age old fear of: I am not enough. BINGO.

Now that you got there, let yourself feel this fear. Don’t rush off now. This is where it starts shifting. Let it wash over you. Feel all your cells welcome your truth and open to the discomfort of it. Let your wisdom in.

If you have been working with a coach, you will know what to do with your fear. If not, just acknowledge it and let yourself feel it as much as is comfortable. Breathe and trust. Trust that you can do this, trust that feeling the fear releases you from being stuck in mean girl mode. Trust that your heart is more than capable of feeling this.

LISTEN: Caroline Overington a.k.a the woman that changed Oprah’s life shares how you know you're in the wrong relationship (post continues after audio...)

So let’s get clear: you are a bitch to the one you love and care about because you fear that you are not enough. In short: intimacy triggers your abandonment wounds.

This old pattern of being a bitch is not really working as your sub-conscious had planned. In fact, when we see it like this, it is kind of counter intuitive. Being mean is taking you further from the connection and love that you truly desire. This pattern is (most likely) not about your partner. This is about you trusting that you are worthy to be loved.

Now you know this, you can take it with you the next time you feel yourself wanting to be a bitch to your partner. When you feel yourself slipping into the chasm of the mean girl, pause and acknowledge your deeper fear. Instead of jumping in bitchy, let yourself feel the fear. You will start to see a way to honour your needs, communicate your deeper fears and be real, open and vulnerable with your partner.

Right here, in the moment of most tension when you open to your fear is where transformation happens. It is these otherwise dark moments, that create the space for our evolution to take place. It will transform your relationship and allow you to evolve. You are elevating this relationship one conscious moment at a time; which is so attractive and magnetic.

At the deepest level, know that you are enough. Not as a mother/hard worker etc. but as the beautiful, big heart that you are.


Nicole Mathieson is a relationship coach helping women have the thriving, connected love life they desire. In her 20+ years (and two kids) with her husband, Nicole has come face to face with her relationship bitch on many occasions. She is now committed to helping women stop pointing the finger of blame, take responsibility for making the connection feel better and find the power to be the women they want to be in their life and love.

Grab your free copy of Thriving Love, a guide to reviving your relationship from the inside out. You can also follow Nicole on Facebook and Instagram.

This post originally appeared on Nicole Mathieson's website and was republished here with full permission.