Once upon a time, I wrote an article called, "I Am Beautiful, Girls." (You can read it here.) I still get letters trickling in from people, women mostly, who can relate or want to share their experiences with me. Overall, the response to the article was overwhelming and overwhelmingly positive.
There is one argument, or counterpoint, that is brought up over and over again, though. I'd like to talk about it, because I believe it to be something worth talking about. The argument goes something like this: Why do we have to talk about physical beauty at all? Why is it important? Why do we need to praise our children for being beautiful? Can't we just praise our daughters for being smart and creative and capable and kind and strong and all of the other things that matter? Why does it matter whether or not our girls feel beautiful, when we know that physical beauty is just a trick and a lie? Why are we still going on and on about beauty, when the topic of beauty has torn us apart? Isn't telling our girls that we are beautiful just another form of vanity, or of focusing on the surface, on things that don't matter?
The thing about this argument is that I agree with it. I believe in it. I believe that the kind of mother who would say to me, "Why can't we just shut up about beauty, and praise our girls for being smart," is a mindful, aware, intelligent, awesome kind of mother.
The problem is that it is a respectable ideal that doesn't actually address the reality of sending our girls out into the world. We can refuse to talk about beauty in our households, but, the truth of our daily lives is that our daughters are navigating a world that not only talks about beauty, but is outright obsessed with it. The worst part is that the world is obsessed with a disgusting, unfair and rigid idea of what it means to be beautiful.