My world was rocked – or maybe I should say blown up – when I found out about my husband’s first indiscretion. I have experienced first- hand the depths of hell. The days are a weird mix of flying by and at the same time, each second feels like an eternity.
If someone had told me after hearing about my husband’s transgressions that it would only get worse, I think I probably would have checked myself into a mental hospital. If I had known the pain that I would continue to experience and the things I’ve had to go through would be as bad as it has, I’m not sure I would’ve wanted to go on.
Shortly after admitting to his actions, my husband started meeting with a counsellor named Dave. The two of them had an instant connection. He was real. He told it like it was. And he gave my husband tools. Things to do. Dave believed in analysing your personality using the Enneagram method. He was quickly able to identify my husband as a Type 3, or the Achiever. He dives into this method of analysing yourself, identifying why you do things and working on why your personality makes you do bad things. My husband was hooked.
Under Dave’s tutelage, my husband was on a self-described “path of enlightenment.”
He was in the light. It was all so clear. And with every step he took on this path of enlightenment, he found new ways to hurt me. He began chastising me for not “getting my sh*t together”. He became mean. He became evil. And it was all in the name of fixing himself.
And one night in the middle of the night as I knelt on the floor begging God for some sort of direction, I felt the word “Dave”. It wasn’t a voice, it was just something I felt. I didn’t know why I felt like I had to meet with him, I just knew that it was what I was called to do. Honestly, I made the appointment thinking that I could go to Dave to get a little bit of fixing. If he could help my husband in his enlightenment, maybe he could show me the light as well.
Then a series of events happen that I will never forget.
I had lunch with two friends who were probably just trying to stage an intervention on my lack of eating. They spent an hour and a half telling me how special I was. Not to blow smoke, but just to let me know how important I was and that I didn’t need to change.
I left that lunch and received a text from another friend that said: you are enough. At that second, a song came on the radio. I pulled the car over, raised my hands to heaven and began singing a song that I had never heard. The song was “Let the Church Say Amen”. I knew then that I was enough. I didn’t need to be fixed by this Dave guy.
I went into that meeting a changed woman. I still didn’t know what I was going to say but I knew that no matter what, I was enough. I spent 45 minutes telling Dave what had happened since he started counselling my husband. The words poured out of me. I told him all the evil things my husband had done and said in the name of his “path of enlightenment.” I started telling him how his words were interpreted. He sat there and listened to my words coming through tears and snot running down my face.