Here’s the thing about the faux marriage reality television: you either love it like Davina loves Davina, or hate it with the fire of one thousand suns.
I was once the former. Over time I have become the latter.
When the previews for the latest season of Married At First Sight began in January, I considered recommitting my entire life to John Aiken and his spiky hair. I really did. But I also knew deep in my soul that watching episode one would mean being trapped in a prison of concocted drama for the foreseeable future and, well, my family have really missed me being around between January and April for the last five years.
When the promo ads first rolled (“Dean wants to be obeyed” etc etc eye roll etc) my boyfriend looked at me carefully across the couch, silently pleading for me to please not throw our lives into disarray for Channel Nine again.
It’s February 20 and, against all the odds, I have escaped the full-time job that is watching Married At First Sight AND still have a boyfriend. It’s a true miracle. Distance from the show that once had me chained to my television/a bag of extra cheesy Doritos has given me clarity on the truth:
Married At First Sight is the actual worst.
Here’s why, from a reformed addict.
1. TOO MANY EPISODES.
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday? Given the episodes are 90 effing minutes long, that’s six hours a week. If we have another 30 episodes like last year, that’s forty five hours dedicated to Davina and Dean.