Here’s the thing about the faux marriage reality television: you either love it like Davina loves Davina, or hate it with the fire of one thousand suns.
I was once the former. Over time I have become the latter.
When the previews for the latest season of Married At First Sight began in January, I considered recommitting my entire life to John Aiken and his spiky hair. I really did. But I also knew deep in my soul that watching episode one would mean being trapped in a prison of concocted drama for the foreseeable future and, well, my family have really missed me being around between January and April for the last five years.
When the promo ads first rolled (“Dean wants to be obeyed” etc etc eye roll etc) my boyfriend looked at me carefully across the couch, silently pleading for me to please not throw our lives into disarray for Channel Nine again.
It’s February 20 and, against all the odds, I have escaped the full-time job that is watching Married At First Sight AND still have a boyfriend. It’s a true miracle. Distance from the show that once had me chained to my television/a bag of extra cheesy Doritos has given me clarity on the truth:
Married At First Sight is the actual worst.
Here’s why, from a reformed addict.
1. TOO MANY EPISODES.
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday? Given the episodes are 90 effing minutes long, that’s six hours a week. If we have another 30 episodes like last year, that’s forty five hours dedicated to Davina and Dean.
Ask yourself: Do you want to give dickcake Dean 45 hours of your life? Do you really?
This show literally demands you sacrifice your social life and instead watch other people have cocktail parties where they neck other people’s fake spouses.
Just think about the possibilities that would open up if we all gave away MAFS. We could all learn Spanish! Master the art of baking friands! Get to the bottom of this cryptocurrency financey stock markety stuff!
LISTEN: Dean is this season’s super villain, and apparently he’s also a rapper. Clare and Jessie Stephens discuss. Post continues.
2. Speaking of Davina and Dean…
Married At First Sight is sucking up our time and energy and… souls… even when it’s not on our tellies.
I know enough about these two just from scrolling through my Facebook feed.
The internet has been awash with “Davina this” and “Dean that” for what feels like seven years and I would very much like to speak to Zuckerberg about a plug-in that removes all Deaniva (Davean?) related content from my feed.
It’s just too much, Zuck. Please, take it away from me. It burns my retinas.