By LUCY GRANSBURY
I often have to consult the cool kids.
‘Hey popular people, which milk is in fashion for my latte these days? Almond? Coconut? Breast?’
‘Which jeans am I supposed to be wearing again? Ripped? Skinny? Boyfriend? Skinny-with-slight-beer-gut boyfriend?’
But there is one commandment that I continue to come across from ‘Those Kids Cooler Than Me’ (i.e. Everyone) that I’m just not sure about.
Thou Shalt Despise Nickelback.WANKERS! Ok, am I cool yet?
Some dude in London has started a kick-starter campaign asking people to donate to the cause: NEVER LETTING NICKELBACK PERFORM IN LONDON AGAIN.
Depending on the donation, he will do anything from send an email in the donator’s name with a kind request to the band to stay away, to sending Nickelback’s music back to Nickelback.
I want to say to this young whippersnapper:
a) calm down and
b) get a life.
They are just a band. Surely, the much less strenuous solution is this: If you don’t like them… Don’t listen to them. I don’t really like listening to the bagpipes, so I don’t buy Greatest Bagpipin’ Hits. I don’t particularly like Avicii, so I don’t buy his albums*.
I did some research (it’s rare, I had to lie down afterwards) and came across some reasons why more people hate Nickelback than drinking orange juice after brushing their teeth.
1. WE HATE NICKELBACK BECAUSE…. Their songs are kind of offensive.
But… so is Eddie McGuire. Okay, that Nickelback song that starts with “I like your pants around your feet” has some pretty naughty connotations. But so does “The Thong Song”. And Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”. And Spice Girls “2 Become 1”.
Still, they’re catchy.
2. WE HATE NICKELBACK BECAUSE…. Their lyrics are lame.
But in Katy Perry’s new song, she sings “this is how we do” 29 times. I counted. And she’s one of the biggest selling artists of all time. “My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)” doesn’t stop The Black Eyed Peas from being a-grade dance floor material. “And I don’t, and I don’t, and I don’t, and I don’t/No I don’t, it’s true/I don’t, no, I don’t, no, I don’t, no, I don’t/Want anybody else but you” doesn’t stop me loving that Coldplay ‘Magic’ song.
3. WE HATE NICKELBACK BECAUSE…. Chad Kroeger’s growly, whiny voice is really annoying.