real life

You're not a horrible person, you just hate New Year's Eve. And we know exactly why.

I don’t like New Year’s Eve.

Never have: every year since graduating from the kid’s table and out into the real world, I have scraped my way through the biggest night of the year with a scowl, sore feet, and dashed hopes.

New Year’s was so much easier as a kid – the worst thing that could happen is someone confiscated the chip bowl from you, or you fell asleep before midnight. These days, you can suffer a full on identity crisis before you even hit 10pm.

But the funny thing is, I’m not sure I know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. In fact, it’s not even a revolutionary thing to hate NYE anymore. It’s mainstream. Normal. Boring.

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If anything, the interesting part comes down to figuring out why we hate the clocking over of the new year – I mean, there’s not a lot not to like.

There’s an unlimited shortage of great parties, the occasion to dress up, gather up your friends, drink mercilessly, and pash a stranger without any of the standard ‘You don’t even know his name’ judgement.

Here’s what we came up with. I hope you find some closure.

#1: You are as overwhelmed as a hungover person scrolling Deliveroo.

The first mention of NYE is usually dropped into conversation by early October.

“So, uh, what are you thinking for New Year’s?” your friend will ask casually, careful not to make eye contact.

“Oh, I haven’t thought about it,” you’ll reply, heart racing.

Then, like the floodwaters rushing the Mississippi Dam you will race over each other to list every perceivable option for the night until you both fall back, panting, sweating, and overwhelmed.

How are you meant to choose? What if you choose the wrong one? Once, on a hangover, I panicked and ordered a toasted sandwich on Deliveroo. A toasted SANDWICH. Don’t be that guy.

#2: You hate people. All of them. Put them in the bin.

New Year’s Eve, the great smoke-out of the snake hole. Who even knew we had these people living among us?

The evening of NYE has a remarkable ability to coax out the local idiots and the slow walkers. The noise police. The Red Bull fuelled tweens. The pepped up toddlers wielding sharp toys. The baby boomers who are a bit drunk on Cab Sav who want to know how someone so young and pretty doesn’t have a boyfriend. Basically, anyone and everyone you’ve managed to avoid for the last 12 months.

All of you, in the bin.

The best hope you have is to lock yourself in the linen cupboard with Netflix, booze, and enough crunchy snacks to get you through the 17 versions of Auld Lang Syne that will drift over your back fence until sunrise.

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#3: You are a control freak and why won’t anyone reply to your Facebook group message?

Behold, ‘The Planner’. A rare and magical creature with the ability to plan an event several months in advance. On occasion, The Planner will be the glue that holds an otherwise useless selection of friends together.

On other occasions, this unicorn will tear the group apart with the insistence that they transfer the ticket cost (that’s including the GST, guys) into their account by midday Monday and no one is allowed to cancel and if they do don’t expect the money back because I’m not a millionaire, GUYS.

If you are The Planner, give up now. No one will ever be able to get on your level, Sweet Princess of Google Hangouts.

 

#4: You can’t start the new year with a hangover. (Again.)

“This is the last time I’m waking up on NYD with a hangover. This year is going to be about treating my body as a temple. No more drinking. No more McDonalds. Mmm, McDonalds…”

Every. Single. Year. Ammiright?

The next day blues are almost enough to deter you from buying into the whole NYE descent into champagne drunkenness. Almost.

But before you know it, a glass is thrust into your hand, someone puts 2017 novelty party glasses on your face and BOOM.

It’s 9am and you’ve woken up next to a cheeseburger. (Again.)

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#5: You are convinced romance is dead, the world is broken, and NYE is for suckers.

And you’re probably right. But could you be a little less dark, just for one night?

Sure, with the election of Donald Trump, melting polar ice sheets, death of David Bowie, Zika virus outbreak, child stolen by an alligator at Disneyland and execution of Harambe you might be lost for reasons to put on your party pants and sing along to Taylor Swift (wait, we forgot to mention #Hiddleswift) – but that’s what NYE is all about!

Be like all other adults and stuff your existential fears deep down below your emotional eating, and neck some frozen margarita. I mean, how much worse could 2017 be?

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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