Warning: this post is NSFW.
Breaking news, ladies: you can triple your likelihood of always having an orgasm if you do it with a woman.
No, that’s not a pick up line that us lesbians use to seduce straight women over to our side. That’s the final conclusion of a recent study, which has looked at frequency of orgasms among 52,000 adults comparing orientations.
The study found that men orgasm more frequently than women, and that lesbians significantly orgasm more frequently straight women. So there you have it, science says when it comes to orgasms in women, lesbians really do, do it better.
So let’s have a closer look, is the female orgasm so complex that only women can fully understand it?
The study highlighted some factors that improve a woman’s (gay or straight) likelihood at achieving orgasm.
The biggest orgasm indicator among women is relationship satisfaction. This leads into another factor that better communication and the woman feeling safe to ask for what she wants in the bedroom are key to a great sex life and frequent orgasms.
Women are still most likely to climax if Oral sex is included. Interestingly for straight men though, whether oral sex is included or not seems to have no impact of his likelihood of climaxing.
More variety of sexual acts and combining sexual acts such as oral and digital penetration, intercourse and manual stimulation increases the woman’s chance of climaxing.
When it comes to the difference between lesbians and straight women, it appears that straight women unlike lesbians are falling short in duration. So extending the duration of love making among straight couples will improve the likelihood of females having an orgasm.
When the study looked at what could be impacting a women’s climax frequency the study found that 30% of men still believe that women orgasm through intercourse alone. After all our work educating the world on the existence and importance of the clitoris, it seems we still have work to do. Whilst it is possible for women to climax solely from penetration alone, it is rare. So what is going on here?
In another study, they found that during intercourse as the man approaches climax, women produce copulating noises that are not linked to orgasm. That’s right ladies, the scientists have now discovered proof of the fake orgasm. It’s hardly surprising as 80% of women fake orgasms 25% of the time.
So why do women fake orgasms? The orgasm is still seen as the destination of sex so when we fake, especially when we fake just as we are noticing that the man is close, we basically want it to stop. There could be many reasons behind this, but what I most often hear is that we love our partners and don’t want to hurt their feelings.
This was also mentioned in the study, where men reported that the focus on the female orgasm is so much that they now feel pressured to perform, pressured to give their partner an orgasm and they have reported distress if they aren’t able to live up to this expectation. On one hand this is beautiful. I love that so many men are valuing female pleasure so highly. But on the other hand it sort of misses the point of sex.
As women when we sleep with men, the male orgasm is pretty much a given. It’s not something that we really need to seek out. We know that if we go through the motions long enough it will happen. That’s a very feminine way of being, as women just showing up, just being there achieves so much. Think about it this with your female friends, when she’s had a rough time, simply being there listening seems to provide all the relief she needs.
In reverse, think about when you opened up to your man about your hard time with your boss. He had all the answers right? He came up with solutions, look he fixed the problem for you, why are you still upset? Frustrating, isn’t it? Of course we know what to do, all we are doing is sharing our experience.
But masculine expression is in the doing, generally, they are solution finders, they are doers. When it comes to sex, he thrusts, he takes an active role in making him climax. Because men now value our pleasure, and men are the doers, men seem to think they need to work hard to make us climax and they feel bad even emasculated when they can’t.
The purpose and the role of partners during sex is to give and receive pleasure not orgasms. When we start to take on the responsibility to make our partner orgasm, sex becomes a task not an experience. And when we’re on the reverse side with a partner who is determined to make us orgasm and they are just trying so hard and you can see that it's just going to rip their heart out if you don’t make it there, what happens to us? Our ability to orgasm goes right out the window, because now we are disconnected from our experience of sexual pleasure and worrying about their feelings.
There's another difference in sex between males and females which is picked up in the study. Women can still be sexually satisfied without orgasming. In fact, it's not uncommon for women to engage in sex with their partner purely for the benefit of allowing our partner to enjoy themselves. I think this is discussed more in lesbian relationships, the study showed that lesbians engage more in taking turns of giving and receiving pleasure.
I also know from experience when I speak about sex with my lesbian friends that we seem to feel OK and understand that sometimes orgasm just isn’t going to happen. It's not that being unable to achieve orgasm during sex with a partner means that our partner didn’t satisfy us. It's just that sometimes all the stars and the planets and the ocean waves need to be fully aligned for an orgasm to occur, so there’s no shame in that.
So assuming we want more orgasms in our lives, apart from a mass conversion of straight women to becoming lesbians, what can we take out of this?
We need to tell our partners if we are capable of climaxing through penetration alone and educate them that for the majority of women we just don’t work that way. When I'm explaining this to men I often tell them that men are like androids, we only need to touch one thing for all of it to work, but women tend to be more like iPhones where you have to touch the whole thing to get one thing to work.
We need to tell our men that it's really OK if we don’t orgasm all the time, that they are still doing their job at satisfying us regardless of orgasm.
We need to seek out a longer duration of sex, more foreplay, more oral, more combos.
And most importantly, we need to communicate all this and more with our partners. The more we communicate, the healthier our relationships are which also improves the quality of our sex lives and our frequency of orgasms.