Well. This isn’t a story I ever thought I’d have to write.
But it’s time.
Last night, after a long day at work, I returned to my home which I distinctly recall not being covered in tampons before I left.
I opened my front door, and was confronted with a bloodied scene.
“Did I truly leave a used tampon by my front door on my way out this morning?” I wondered, having known myself to do strange things before 10am.
And that’s when I looked up.
There were two dark eyes staring at me, surrounded by torn apart tampons.
Periods, pads and travelling horror stories. Post continues.
“You d*ckhead,” I said sternly.
He looks guilty but also like it was most definitely worth it.
My dog, Caesar, opened my bathroom door which was purposefully closed (yes he can use a door handle I’ve seen him do it) and went through the bin next to my toilet, which happened to have three or so used tampons in it.
It’s not like he eats them. He just sort of sniffs them and tears them apart in a bid to make me feel shame.
I’d have an intervention with Caesar if this was the first time such an incident had occurred. But dogs pull this sh*t all the time.
The first time was when I was about 14 years old, and had only just got my first period.
My mum was away, and I remember my dad saying, “Oh no! It looks like Ted is bleeding.”
Teddy was not bleeding.
Teddy was holding in his mouth a used pad like it was some treasure he had found and thought we might like.
No one liked it and I cleaned up the mess through tears.
The second time was about a year ago, just after I'd started dating my boyfriend.
His dog went through the bin in his bathroom and just placed my discarded tampon, which had previously been very politely wrapped up in toilet paper, right in the middle of the bathroom floor, as a way of inadvertently testing the strength of our relationship.
It was rude and not very welcoming.
But I needn't worry because apparently these dogs are all over ma tampons because they're interested in me.
Particularly, my genital area.
Dogs sniff crotches and underpants because they're desperately searching for useful information, according to Dogster.
Before dogs wore costumes, sat at cafes, and had birthday parties, they were hunters and scavengers so they're attracted to bodily fluids and more specifically, smells associated with decay.
Dogs are also known to eat condoms (yeah, well, I found that out the hard way), dirty nappies and rubbish, and the scientific reason is BECAUSE THEY'RE IDIOTS.
And also a little bit because of their instincts etc. etc.
If they don't seriously consume any of the product, they should be okay.
But if they have legitimately eaten 14 tampons, which I wouldn't put past many dogs in my life, then they most definitely need to go to the vet because the items could blog their intestinal tract.
Symptoms include vomiting, bloating, diarrhoea, and trouble eating, so if you notice anything unusual, take them to the vet straight away.
And it might be a good idea to keep bins out of reach.
I've also sat Caesar down for a very serious chat that consisted of: "Yeah, hi, can you not though?" and thankfully, I think he understood.