The White House’s Chief Florist has left her job under some very, very mysterious circumstances.
It’s a political scandal on par with Watergate and “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” and yet nobody outside the United States is reporting this troubling tale.
Unlike previous employees who have left the White House, Dowling received no public accolades for her work and no mention was made of why or how she left. And you know what that means, don’t you?
Mystery! Intrigue! Another potential plot line for a TV show!
After a few weeks of silence on the florist’s mysterious absence, the White House did release a statement, saying:
“No two arrangements were ever the same and each one left guests with a lasting impression of the elegance and history of the People’s House. We are grateful for her contribution over the years and wish her well”.
But we’re not buying it. Not. Buying It.
This was no pleasant goodbye, this was not a courteous parting of ways, there is something seriously smelly (probably floral smelling) going on here and we’re determined to get to the bottom of it.
Here are six much more likely explanations as to why the Chief Florist’s job wilted away.
1. Dowling brought Michelle Obama carnations
If we’ve learned anything from Sex and the City, it’s that no-one likes carnations.
We can only assume Dowling arranged them neatly on M-Obama’s beside table, only to have Michelle come in and say “Not in my White House bitch!” and pull one of these:
Cue: Dowling being quickly escorted from the premises.
2. Dowling was uncovered as a Russian Spy
This is the most likely of the scenarios. Except for the fact that Dowling is neither Russian, nor a spy.
… Or is she?
3. Dowling filled the House with lilies
“Lilies are the best!” I hear you say. Oh yeah? Well not when their beautiful yet potent yellow pollen goes everywhere and stains M-Obama’s white pant-suits. White House Head Laundry Lady would not have been happy.