entertainment

The Obamas' Chief Florist escorted from the building. Leaves White House forever.

The White House’s Chief Florist has left her job under some very, very mysterious circumstances.

It’s a political scandal on par with Watergate and “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” and yet nobody outside the United States is reporting this troubling tale.

According to the Washington Post, the White House’s Chief Florist, Laura Dowling, has left her position and was escorted off the premises on Friday 13 February this year.

Unlike previous employees who have left the White House, Dowling received no public accolades for her work and no mention was made of why or how she left. And you know what that means, don’t you?

Mystery! Intrigue! Another potential plot line for a TV show!

Related: A little girl has given Michelle Obama her jobless father’s resume.

After a few weeks of silence on the florist’s mysterious absence, the White House did release a statement, saying:

“No two arrangements were ever the same and each one left guests with a lasting impression of the elegance and history of the People’s House. We are grateful for her contribution over the years and wish her well”.

But we’re not buying it. Not. Buying It.

This was no pleasant goodbye, this was not a courteous parting of ways, there is something seriously smelly (probably floral smelling) going on here and we’re determined to get to the bottom of it.

Here are six much more likely explanations as to why the Chief Florist’s job wilted away.

1. Dowling brought Michelle Obama carnations

If we’ve learned anything from Sex and the City, it’s that no-one likes carnations.

We can only assume Dowling arranged them neatly on M-Obama’s beside table, only to have Michelle come in and say “Not in my White House bitch!” and pull one of these:

Cue: Dowling being quickly escorted from the premises.

2. Dowling was uncovered as a Russian Spy

This is the most likely of the scenarios. Except for the fact that Dowling is neither Russian, nor a spy.

… Or is she?

3. Dowling filled the House with lilies

“Lilies are the best!” I hear you say. Oh yeah? Well not when their beautiful yet potent yellow pollen goes everywhere and stains M-Obama’s white pant-suits. White House Head Laundry Lady would not have been happy.

White House florist
Take your lilies and leave, Dowling. Image via Wikipedia
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4. Bo and Sunny are allergic to pollen.

What, you don’t know who Bo and Sunny are? They’re the delightful White House dogs.

White House florist
“We’re adorable” Image via Wikipedia

They are so important, they even have their own Wikipedia pages which is why as soon as the slightest sniffle from one of them was detected, Obama grabbed his precious pets and ran from the culprit: Dowling’s evil flowers.

White House Florist
“You’re fired, Dowling!” Image via Wikipedia

5. Dowling was needed elsewhere in a floristry-related emergency.

It happens. You’re going about your normal business when you hear the call of fellow-florists requesting your flower arranging help. What was Dowling to do? Ignore them?

She made the noble decision to abandon her post at the White House and respected the sacred nature of the Secret Floristry Association (SFA) by not uttering a word of the emergency to anyone.

We applaud you, Dowling. Stand strong.

6. Dowling is replacing Zayn in One Direction.

Somebody has to do it.

Image via http://marieegrandedelvalle.deviantart.com/ and @Obamalizer