The 10 stages of having a baby who refuses to sleep like a normal person.

“I’m all out of faith, This is how I feel I’m cold and I am shamed, Lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed, Into something real, I’m wide awake …” 

Expect I’m not naked I’m actually fully clothed and tired.

The 10 stages of not having a baby who sleeps at appropriate hours.

1. I wonder if she is broken? Maybe a gene didn’t get mutated right and she really has a sleeping condition. I should call the doctor tomorrow.

2. “Sleep Ninja Swift” the art of reversing yourself out of a sleeping babies room without breathing and only so lightly stepping out backwards. Until your knee, ankles and everything else cracks which results in a woken baby.

3. WTF! How does she know I just laid down? Seriously I have to book that vasectomy tomorrow for hubby.

4. Fuck it who needs sleep anyway. I mean surely people in this world don’t sleep. I wonder who they are? Maybe they would like her during the night time and I can have her back in the morning.

5. She wins. I get it. She’s not sleeping in her cot. How about I put her in my bed with me? If she jumps on my face one more time I’m going to go sleep with the dogs outside. That’s it. Put her back in her cot.

6. Finally…. 3am. I wonder if there really are aliens. Do their babies sleep? I wonder what they call them? I should go to the shops tomorrow and buy everything that tells me it will make her sleep… What do I want to do with my life?…..


7. 4 am I have to go to sleep.

8. 4.30 am “I’m sorry babe, I gave her a bottle” I sleepy reply “huh?” He replies “My alarm woke her, she should settle, love you.”

9. 4.35am “MUM MUM MUM MUM” Banging of the bottle can be heard on the cot rails. I think if I just ignore her she’ll go back to sleep. The 3 year old enters “Mum I wet the bed” ….

10. “Why are you in such a bad mood Mum? When’s Dad home.” Ayden (9 years old)… “When you find someone who wants to settle down in 20 years time and they want kids remember this exact moment. As for dad, he is safe. That’s all that matters. Now stop talking and get ready for school. Everyone is going to school today.”

Fuck it.

What was that saying that use to be cool “Sleep is for the weak, I’ll sleep when I’m dead”

Who said that? What a douche he must have been.

This post was originally published on The Modern Mumma. For more from Mel Watts, you can follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

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