sex

"I didn't leave my husband and I should have."

“Why did I stay for all of those years?”

By: Mediawrtr for DivorcedMoms.com

I married for the third time in October 2001. I met him on a blind date the year before. He was tall, dark, handsome and every inch of me was in love with this man. He said all the right things, made all the right moves and lord did he smell good. I wasn’t looking to get married again. I had just split from my ex – in fact I stood him up on our wedding day (but that’s another story).

Needless to say I was a skittish about another permanent relationship. We had moved in together 6 months after we met, yet I was shocked and taken back when he asked me to marry him.  What if it didn’t work out? We had five kids between us, what if I were to move not only myself but my three kids and my dog? It was a lot on my mind. But, it did work out and we felt comfortable living together. Then it all started to fall apart a few years later.

"It all started to fall apart a few years later."

We moved from the first house we lived in to one in the country. It was cheaper rent, not as much traffic and had a basement.  After we moved I started to see a lot of changes in the man I married. He was a sexual person, he needed it on a regular basis. We went from having sex almost every night to seldom having it at all, and weeks would go by when he wouldn't even look at me. We slept in the same bed every night and he would say good night. No kiss, nothing. Talk about cold shoulder!

He started to get angry with every word I said. I felt as though I could do no right in his eyes. My eldest daughter was graduating from high school that spring so I thought maybe it was just me and the stress involved with that. Then I saw the mobile phone bill - I was shocked to see a number on there that he had called almost 300 minutes in one month. He hated talking on the phone to people.

"We went from having sex almost every night to seldom having it at all, and weeks would go by when he wouldn't even look at me."

I decided to approach him about it and he told me it was a couple that he built a house for. He said they had three kids and no one to hang out with. He asked me if it was okay for them to become friends with us and he started describing them. I noticed after the conversation he wouldn't mention the husband's name, only the wife's. He asked me if they could meet us out at the local sports bar where his band played.

The entire situation seemed strange from the start. The wife called my husband's personal mobile to tell him that she, a friend and her husband were right down the street at another bar but they would be there soon. When she walked in with her friend, my husband, who was the most non social person you would ever meet, jumped from his chair and hugged her.

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"When she walked in with her friend, my husband, who was the most non social person you would ever meet, jumped from his chair and hugged her."

I went to the bathroom with her and her friend and I heard them talking about me and laughing.  At the table my husband ignored me and touched her. He even offered to get her a drink and never asked me if I wanted one. I tolerated this for 30 minutes before I got pissed and asked for the keys. As I was leaving, the worker at the front door who knows us told me he didn't know why I waited so long to leave. It was that obvious.

It would take me only a few weeks of wife detective work to confirm his affair.  Even then he denied everything and  told me I needed to get over it or get out. It would not be until years later that he would at least admit that he and this woman were talking about having an affair. And this was after I caught him cheating again, 10 years later.

"It would not be until years later that he would at least admit that he and this woman were talking about having an affair."

Why did I stay for all of those years? I ask myself that all the time. I really believe it was because this was my third marriage I didn't just want to quit. I loved him and I screwed up too after I found out about his first affair. In fact, he was the one - not me - who ended our marriage after his second affair.

I truly wish to this day I would have ended things sooner. My own low self esteem and need to save us and fix things made me stay. I have been alone for the past two years. I have not dated. For the first time in my life I am enjoying who I am and what I want. I have become closer to my kids and grandchildren.  After 49 years, my life is about me. I will never again "settle" just to have someone in my life.  I have my standards and if a man can't comply, he won't be with me, simple as that.

This article originally appeared on DivorcedMoms and has been republished here with full permission.

Have you ever wished you left your former partner sooner?

Like this? Try these:

Does The Bad Outweigh The Good In Your Marriage

I Stayed In My Marriage Too Long But I Don't Regret It

7 Reasons Some Women Stay With A Cheater

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