'Our kind of IVF story is the one that never gets told.'

A few weeks ago we decided to use our last remaining embryo. Our one, genetically untested, six-day-old frozen embryo, the only embryo from our last IVF stem cycle. Honestly we were just using it as a matter of course, we didn’t have high hopes for this tiny little life, when all others had tested abnormal or hadn’t survived.

This was the one that hadn’t grown enough to be tested. The unknown one. We had it transferred and tried to get on with things while we waited for the results of our pregnancy test. Of course by the time this day came two weeks later we hoped, you can never not hope, but we were realistic, the chances of it working were slim, especially after all this time, and all these cycles.

IVF experience
"We hoped, you can never not hope." Image supplied.

The results came back.... POSITIVE!

How was this possible? It must have been a mistake. How could it have been positive? How was I finally pregnant? We tried to be realistic. The only other time I had fallen pregnant from IVF our follow-up blood tests didn't rise like they should have, and I miscarried within a short time. We reminded ourselves that might happen again this time. We were cautiously optimistic. Don't tell people just in case, don't get too excited, we told ourselves.

Our second blood test a week later was great, things were looking better. Perhaps we could share our news? Our third bloods a week after that were right on track, perfect. Then the pregnancy symptoms started to kick in. Do you know how good it feels to finally actually feel pregnant? The tiredness, sickness and constant peeing meant it felt real. It wasn't just a number on a scale.

IVF experience
"The tiredness, sickness and constant peeing meant it felt real" Image supplied.

We started booking in appointments and scans. Making plans. Bringing out the baby things. I ordered some things on the internet. I wrote lists of what I had, what we needed. Where did we put that list of baby names we had selected last time? I downloaded the pregnancy app. Six weeks gestation, our baby is the size of a lentil. Amazing.

We allowed ourselves to relax a little and talk about our future. Our future as parents. Finally after all this time our dreams had come true. Everyone was right, it did finally happen. Why did I ever think we wouldn't eventually fall pregnant? It was all worth it.

IVF experience
"I even prepared the following for our pregnancy announcement paired with a pic of this cute little onesie I bought on the internet, pictured with our embryo before transfer". Picture supplied.

Days trying for a baby: 2999 (over eight years)
Doctors consultations: 62
Scans/ultrasounds: 45
Blood tests: 64
Needles: 130
Procedures: 3
IVF cycles: 11
Miscarriage: 1
Amount spent: $66,000

Then, suddenly, our hopes were over in seconds. One moment all our dreams had come true, the next the feeling of tearing followed by gushes of blood, pain, warmth, more blood, not slow leaking blood, bleeding, flowing, so much blood, clots, tissue, so much pain. All our dreams and hopes... gone. Shattered. Over. Everything covered in blood.

How was this possible? After all this time, heart ache, pain and money, to get this far, to finally get a pregnancy and it's over within a few short weeks. For the second time in our lives. How can the universe be so cruel?

IVF experience
130 needles later... Image supplied.

My body had failed us again.

We were in absolute shock. It didn't seem real.

Do you know what it's like to hear your husband cry for the loss of your baby? A child that he will never get back? And to know you've caused all this pain and grief to him, to everyone else.

The heartache is... I can't begin to describe it. I'm lost for words, no one word describes my feelings. It's lots of feelings. Grief, sorrow, guilt, despair, anger, disappointment, emptiness, fear, disgust, confusion, ending, ended, final.

I cry myself to sleep, I cry before I open my eyes when I think about the reality of what waits for me upon waking.

Our lives have turned from bright to black in an instant.

Deb Knight did 14 rounds of IVF and then had a baby naturally. Post continues...

Why did I believe it would finally be our time? After eight years I was actually coming to the realisation that we would never have children. I shouldn't have so easily believed that our dreams had come true, that I was actually pregnant, of course it was always going to end, that's just what happens to us. Nothing happens the way we want it to. Was I ever actually pregnant? Perhaps that was the dream or the nightmare.

How can we possibly pick ourselves up and try again when this journey has brought nothing but unhappiness and despair above all else.

I can't imagine adding anymore numbers to our list, no more blood tests, appointment, needles, procedures, scans, money, no more drugs, no more IVF cycles and please no more miscarriages. No more. It's over.

We can't do this anymore.

To see more of Carly's journey, you can find her blog here.