The question 'GOT MILK?' just got a whole lot harder to answer.

We live in The Age Of Complication. Everything is more difficult than it needs to be.

Television is not just television: it’s Netflix and live streaming and Foxtel and SBS 2 and Youtube channels and cable and satellite and goddamn television on your phone which just makes no sense.

Haircuts aren’t just ‘long’ or ‘short’ now either – there’s the lob, bob, shob, fringe, linge, blonde, bronde, and brown.

Buses don’t have tickets, water now has charcoal, and if you want to choose a date, you’ve got to choose a dating site first:, OKCupid, eHarmony, Zoosk, Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble.

And another thing that’s really freaking me out? MILK.

Milk is so longer just milk. It’s an ethical debate, an allergy, an analogy of Western over consumption.

Cow’s milk is out, and mother (nature’s) milk is IN.

The milk of most of our childhoods is now très passé. Most of the world is and/or claims to be allergic to it, with the other half preaching about its unethical and unsustainable nature.

And to be honest, seeing row after row of poor old heifers plugged into milk machines, treated like great heaving pieces of equipment whilst their calves go hungry? Well, I kinda agree.

So. If we’re not suckling on our mother’s teat (and if you’re reading this, I truly hope you are not) or glugging from a carton of cows milk, what the heck are we meant to be adding to our Milo?

The answer to that is longer than you might think.

Forget about just choosing between low fat, no fat, skim, or full cream: the milk selection currently on offer has exploded to such a large variety of sources, that you can only wonder whether we will one day start producing milk from paper pulp or leftover gravy.

In addition to agonising over homogenised or pasteurised, you can now take your pick from the following:

  • almond milk
  • coconut milk
  • soy milk
  • cashew milk
  • rice milk
  • sunflower-seed milk
  • goat milk
  • oat milk


Then probably don’t Google ‘Rats Milk’, because that will really ruin your day.

Behold, the most epic milk advertisement ever created.


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So, here’s a cheat’s guide to how to tackle The Great Milk Crisis.

What to pour on cereal: Almond Milk. Tastes like fairy tears.

What to use in coffee: Soy Milk. Yes, we know it looks like liposuction when added to coffee, but try heating it beforehand.

What to bake a cake with: Rice milk, it’s thinner, and tastes fairly foul on its own.

What to add to your Milo: Again, almond milk. Sweet and delicious, and slightly satisfying knowing it took around 400,000 almonds to make that one cup of milk.

What to add to your smoothie: Coconut milk. Like a tropical holiday on a Monday morning.

What to put into mashed potato: Goats milk. Yes, I’m serious. Add some white truffle oil and you be DAMN FANCY.

types of milk

I miss the good old days, back when we could call our homeland (ahem, our parent’s house) ‘the land of milk and honey’ without getting into a dietary or ethical debate.

You know, when milk was delivered in glass bottles with foil lids and no indication of fat content? Yep, I reckon it’s high time we simplify our lives, and just stop crying over alternative milk sources.

For it was John Wayne who once said: “Get off your horse, and drink your milk.”

By which I think he meant, “Get off your high horse, and drink your milk without tweeting.”

So, for the last time – got milk?

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