A definitive list of all the surprising things you absolutely cannot do while pregnant.

There are certain things that the Internet most definitely has enough of.

Pornography, for example.

Also, memes. The Internet probably has enough memes.

But advice for pregnant women? Online forums telling them what they can and can’t do? Now that’s something – I’m sure we can all agree – we need more of.

You see, women are very silly. And if they don’t have lists instructing them on how to be a good pregnant person/mother/woman, then they would probably all be running down the street shaking their boobies in the air, lickin’ toads and bathing in the blood of single young men.

So I have gone to the trouble of writing a definitive list of all the things pregnant women CANNOT do, to fill the overwhelming gap.

Ahem...

• Drink alcohol
• Snort alcohol
• Wash your hair with alcohol
• Smoke cigarettes
• Eat cigarettes
• Inject cigarettes
• Do drugs
• Eat kale. Not for any health reasons, just because it's awful
• The same goes for any food you don't like. List says you can't eat it

• Put out the garbage
• Change the kitty litter
• Wake up before your body says it's ready (the baby is still sleeping)
• Clean up after any dog, cat or human
• Fill the car up with petrol
• Pay your taxes. It puts too much stress on the baby
• Put up with people's shit

• Wish anyone a happy birthday
• Listen to Nickleback
• Pat turtles, iguanas, snakes or lizards
• Wait in line for anything
• Ride on the back of a wild elephant during a stampede
• Get stung by a box jellyfish. This has nothing to do with the pregnancy, it's just that it will kill you

Are you pregnant? This is the secret to surviving your public transport commute. (Post continues after audio.)

• Stand
• Sit
• Lay
• List says you can only...float
• Do not use a water bed (who the hell still uses a water bed...)
• Laugh at a joke you actually don't think is that funny

• Paint your entire body with house paint for no reason
• Put a knife in the toaster
• Do any form of exercise that you would rather not do
• Sit in a hot tub/sauna - which is fine because both are sort of gross anyway
• Cook for anyone other than yourself
• Watch NCIS. Babies are allergic to it
• Do any housework; including but not limited to making the bed, sweeping, mopping, ironing or wiping anything down. It is far too strenuous, even during the first trimester

• Jump out of an aeroplane, especially without a parachute
• Reply to emails or texts you just don't really feel like replying to. It simply isn't good for the baby
• Go swimming with sharks while dressed as a seal
• Listen to anyone who wants to give you unsolicited advice on pregnancy or motherhood without yelling "F*CK OFF".

Hopefully this comprehensive list has cleared up any confusion you might have had over what you can and cannot do while pregnant. Make sure to pass it on to all pregnant women everywhere, so the world doesn't descend into complete and utter chaos.

READ MORE: 

• The pregnancy bucket list: all the things to get done one last time before the baby comes.
• The fascinating reason your nipples get darker when you’re pregnant.
• Questions you have when you don’t have kids: Breastfeeding.