This article originally appeared on EG's Substack, Field Notes . Sign up here.

In graduate school, us therapists are typically taught to maintain a neutral, polite attitude and steer clear of giving advice.

We have codes of ethics, licensure requirements, and many unspoken expectations that keep us buttoned-up and professional.

In my own clinical practice, I would not say that I am a "neutral" therapist.

However, I feel pretty strongly that therapists should not tell clients what to do.

Watch: A therapist shares her opinion on in-law relationships. Post continues below.

This can be particularly difficult when I watch my clients make bad decisions.

Despite the fact that therapy is more popular than ever, I find that most people are not ready to hear direct feedback about who they are or how they lead their life.

Most of us are uncomfortable with confrontation, or we feel defensive when somebody calls us out.

For that reason, therapists spend a lot of time trying to be tactful, compassionate, and gentle in the way that we guide clients through therapeutic work.

Sometimes, though, I just want to drop all the decorum and tell my clients what I really think.

Not as a therapist, but as a human.

Every once in a while, with some of my longstanding clients, I am able to do this.

But most of the time, I find that I am beating around all kinds of bushes to help my clients build insight.

I was curious if other therapists felt the same way, so I asked 13 of my colleagues what they would tell their clients if they could. Here's what they said.

"Leave your partner."

This was by far the most popular response with four different variations:

"Leave that man!"

"Leave your toxic girlfriend".

"Divorce your husband".

"Break up with your boyfriend".

I'm not surprised that other therapists have had this thought with their clients because I have also experienced this many times.

It's a spectrum. Sometimes I just adore my client so much that I think they deserve better than their lame boyfriend.

Other times, it is clear that my client is experiencing real abuse in their relationship, but I know I cannot control whether they leave or stay.

A competent therapist will guide a client through making their own aligned choices, possibly providing information and tools along the way.

Although I have regularly wanted to grab my client by the shoulders, shake them, and yell, "BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER!" it's far more meaningful when they come to the realisation themselves.

It takes so much courage to leave a relationship, and it makes me so proud when I see my clients taking this kind of leap.

Other times, clients choose to stay in a bad relationship.

Although it can be hard to watch, it is their life and not mine.

Plus, I am a human, and my views/opinions are not always right.

Maybe I think my client's partner is a bad match for them, but this may not be the full story, and the perspective I am constructing may not be accurate.

Therapists are fallible and so are our clients.

This is why I believe strongly in maintaining the sanctity of our profession by avoiding advice-giving.

"It seems like you're just here to complain and not actually to make change."

Some people are shocked to learn that therapy is not the same as venting.

There will probably be moments where you do vent to your therapist, and that's okay.

But if that's all you're doing, session after session, it might be time to re-evaluate.

I run into this all the time: people who view therapy as a box to check, rather than a difficult, active, and sometimes long journey to emotional change.

Good therapy is about looking deeply inward, taking accountability, and experiencing profound emotion alongside another human being.

If you are ready for this kind of work, get a therapist. If you want to complain about your life, fair! But maybe you should get a diary instead.

"I don't know what I'm doing."

I'm sure this isn't assuring for some to read.

But it's real — many therapists enter into this career without adequate training.

Like all professionals, we feel lost sometimes. I am not going to use the phrase "impostor syndrome" because I hate it, but therapists are definitely not immune to self-doubt.

Sometimes it's scary how unqualified some therapists are.

On the other hand, though, I've had supervisors and colleagues who have been incredible therapists for decades, and they still don't know what they're doing sometimes.

It's super normal. In fact, I think it's a great sign when a therapist can admit that they don't know everything.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

I feel this one so much. Being a therapist means that you see kind, intelligent, strong, thoughtful, beautiful people talk MAD sh*t on themselves.

Sometimes it blows my mind to hear how negatively my clients speak to themselves because it is so completely misaligned with the way that I view them.

When appropriate and applicable, I tell my clients what I love about them and all the incredible qualities that I truly see in them.

A lot of the time, these words go in one ear and out the other.

I often wish that they could step out of their brain and body and see themselves the way I see them, with softer eyes and great admiration.

I feel this about my loved ones, too. Cue POV by Ariana Grande.

"You already know what you need to do, you just aren't doing it."

Is it just me or would some variation of this actually feel good to hear in therapy?

It's empowering, emphasising inner wisdom that you can either choose to take action on, or not.

Obviously, it's a little direct and I understand why a client might be put off by it.

But if it's an accurate read, I feel like it might hit.

"You're playing the victim."

I received another variation of this one as well: "You seem committed to playing the victim role. What are you doing in therapy and what do you actually want to get out of this?"

As I mentioned, I believe that a key feature of good therapy involves taking accountability.

This rarely comes naturally.

I find that most people either over-blame themselves for the problems in their life, or refuse to ever take responsibility for their mistakes — both of these options are equally avoidant and equally unhelpful when it comes to making change.

Although the above quotations are unfiltered and raw, they allude to a larger conversation that could be very meaningful to have in therapy.

Taking accountability can be empowering and even life-changing.

That said, this is one of the most difficult topics to broach with clients because it is so easy to misinterpret.

Often times, we take on a "victim mentality" as a way to consciously or subconsciously protect ourselves.

We've all done it at some point in our lives! And yet, the word "victim" has an extremely negative connotation.

This is why I typically prefer to use other language or other routes to get clients thinking about accountability.

Read my post about managing conflict here.

"You don't trust yourself so you keep looking for certainty that doesn't exist."

I'm having the unfortunate millennial urge to exclaim, "say it louder for the people in the back."

Most people who struggle with OCD, an eating disorder, or anxiety should read and sit with the above statement.

I would say that the lack of trust also extends beyond the self — maybe it's a mistrust of other people, or the world.

"Stop drinking!"

I've definitely had the urge to look some of my clients in the eye and tell them to stop using a substance that is blowing up their life (it's usually weed, but that's a topic for another time).

And yet I think we all understand that shouting "Stop!" at somebody who may be struggling with addiction is typically pretty ineffective.

Similar to leaving a relationship, it's up to the client to make their own decisions regarding substance use.

All we can do is support them in acknowledging when there is a problem, and changing the problem when they're ready.

This one gets tricky, though, because abusing substances can also put other people, besides the client, in harm's way.

Do any substance abuse providers want to chime in here?

"You think you're a people pleaser, but you're not pleasing anyone, you're just trying to control them."

Yes x 100. Check out my article People pleaser to asshole pipeline, to read my full take on this!

"You are so loved."

Last one is the best one.

In graduate school, we are taught that under no circumstances should we ever tell our clients we love them.

I follow this rule for a number of reasons, but the truth is, I do love all of my clients.

I love my clients because I love humanity, and my love for humanity is what drives my career.

I had a mentor once tell me, "If you don't love your client, you probably just don't know them well enough yet".

I tear up when I think about this because I believe it is true.

Listen to Mamamia's mental health podcast, But Are You Happy? here. Post continues below.

It is impossible to sit with somebody who shows you their heart and not feel love for them.

I always wish that people could see how loved they truly are, just by being themselves.

This article originally appeared on EG's Substack, Field Notes . Sign up, here.

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