Gentlemen, here's what NOT to get your partner this Valentine's Day.

Gentlemen, this is your reminder that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If you have a special lady in your life you might want to show her your love by getting her a gift. The gift that you give your woman can say a lot.

Husbands, here’s a list of Valentine’s Day gifts your wife DOES NOT want.

  1. Sexy Underwear

C’mon guys, admit it. Sexy underwear is not so much a gift for her, but a gift for you. (The exceptions are seriously nice ones with French sounding names and lots of lace, but even still you benefit).

Before you click ‘complete payment’ on your online cart, do a quick once over. If you’ve added anything ‘crotchless, fish net, or pleather’  back away from the computer. No lady wants a naughty nurse costume for Valentine’s Day. If that’s what you want, fine. But don’t pass it off as a heartfelt gift for her.

2. An IOU for a massage.

Forgot a gift? Scribbling an IOU for a massage on the back of the shopping list doesn’t cut it, I’m afraid.

Firstly, it will probably never happen and if it does, we all know you’re hoping it leads to sexy times. There will be two or so minutes of half arsed massaging, followed by not-so-subtle hands near the jollys.

Please, if it’s relaxation you want to give us, get a voucher for a proper massage therapist who won’t try and touch our girly bits while we’re trying to relax.

3. Novelty merchandise.

See a funny t-shirt/mug/apron in a store? Great! Have a giggle and move on. Leave it where it belongs (which, to be clear, is on the shelf)

you, next year

Rather than buying her an apron which indicates that you should ‘kiss the cook’, just do it and thank her for making your dinner (or better still, make her something!)


4. Cleaning appliances

Trust me, we’re not scrubbing the floors for the love of it. Do not, I repeat, do not, use Valentine’s day to purchase her a new iron/vacuum/steam mop. That’s a one way ticket to the dog house, my friend. And you can take your steam mop with you.

5. Anything that you secretly wanted but couldn’t justify buying.

Really hoping for a new surfboard but acutely aware that it’s not within the budget at this point in time? Yeah, just don’t, ok?

Don’t try and B.S. us with some lame story of ‘wanting to teach you how to surf’. We’re not stupid. The board just happens to be your exact measurements, bud. Here’s a better idea, take your children for a morning and we will go to the beach alone, with a hot coffee and a trashy mag.

5. Chocolates

I need to be clear here. Chocolates are awesome, they are encouraged but if you give them to us as a gift don’t shove them all in your cake hole before we get a chance. If you’re nice we might share, but give us the chance to offer before you hoover them up.

6. Adventure experiences

Unless your wife specifically expresses a desire to go bungee jumping or sky diving, err on the side of sanity and assume she’s not up for it. For a lot of women, crapping your pants with fear does not a romantic date make.

So there you have it guys, fairly straight forward really.

What do you want for Valentine's Day?