'I coach married parents through the "roommate phase". Here's the 2 day experiment I swear by.'

Relationship coach Megs Dixon knows a thing or two about marriages in crisis. Seven years ago, that was her relationship.

"We were in total marriage breakdown," she explains. 

"We were hanging by a thread. We lived separately for 18 months, and at that point we had two of our own kids together."

Megs had met her husband when she was just 21, and became step mum to his daughters from a previous relationship.

"We had them week on/week off," she continues, "I did the school lunches, the drop offs and pick ups - the whole shebang."

Once the couple welcomed two new children together and family life became even more hectic, Megs and her husband disengaged from one another, unable to bridge the divide that had formed during what Megs and other experts call the 'roommate phase' of a marriage.

What is the 'roommate phase'?

"The roommates phase is a natural consequence of relying on love and love alone to have a great relationship," explains Megs.

We all know the signs. The romance dies, the kids are in your bed more than you'd like, early mornings and Weetbix spills and constant laundry and night wake-ups start to take over any semblance of spontaneity and togetherness. Pretty soon, you're talking schedules instead of sexy times, bin night instead of date night and both harbouring a growing resentment towards each other that underpins every interaction. 

"Every relationship has persistent, recurring problems," says Megs. 

Image: Supplied.

"Imagine the persistent, recurring problems are like weeds. No matter how much you try to pluck them out, they regrow. Most partners get fixated on trying to pull out the weeds, because they feel like the weeds threaten their happily ever after. They feel like the weeds are proof that they're too incompatible to make it- and so they get distracted by the weeds for months and even years, when if they stopped obsessing over the weeds and refocused on growing big strong plants (communication skills) to overshadow the weeds, the weeds would no longer be an issue."

"The roommates phase looks like Groundhog Day. There's no spark, no spontaneity, and you're triggering each other more than you're connecting with each other. You're having the same old argument without progress, and if we don't see those signs and equip ourselves with the skills we need to lift our relationship out of that phase, we end up in a long term roommates rut." 

"This is when you're lying awake at night questioning your future," Megs continues. "You've got a foot out the door. You're psychoanalysing everything and trying to decide whether to invest in salvaging the relationship or not. The roommates rut can lead to really neglecting each other which is a really sad, painful place to be." 

Getting out of the rut and breaking the cycle of disconnection.

For Megs, after spending 18 months in that really painful place, separated from her husband, she knew it was time to either end the marriage for good or focus on building something sustainable. 

"It became very clear that we had to decide whether to go our separate ways or reinvest and recommit to each other," she says.

"I knew for me that the only way I could fully recommit was If we could leave our old relationship behind and rebuild something completely new together. And for no reason at all, with zero proof that that was even possible, I wholeheartedly committed to creating that with him. And that's what we did!" 

That was in 2017, and Megs says the past seven years of her relationship have been their absolute best together.

It's why she now runs private and group coaching classes for married parents, as well as a thriving Facebook community, dedicated to helping couples get out of the roommate rut and back into loving, connected relationships. 

Watch: MM Confessions: The moment I knew it was over. Post continues after video.

One thing Megs sees time and time again is something she calls the 'cycle of disconnection'.

"Underneath the recurring problems, underneath the communication breakdown is an invisible dynamic playing out between you. It will look like this: the more you look to your partner for support, the more he pulls away and disconnects. Then, the more he pulls away and disconnects, the more unsupported you feel and the more you press him for support… and so on."

Megs says that this continuous cycle is the reason that despite your best efforts, you and your partner might be triggering each other more than you're connecting with each other. 

She says one of the most valuable pieces of advice she can give couples currently experiencing this is to try a two-day experiment. 

"Try to eliminate all complaining and criticism for just two days, and replace it with making direct requests in a non-blaming way," says Megs.

"This includes non-verbal complaining, meaning no loud sighing, no slamming cupboards, no angrily restacking the dishwasher in a loud manner so he can hear you. Any time you want support during the next two days, your mission is to ask for it in a direct, non blaming way. Use the phrases 'are you open to?' or 'would you be willing to?' or 'I know it's not your first preference but….' 

Megs believes that by shifting your position from one of "I shouldn't have to ask" to open, positive communication, you can see big changes in the way you communicate as a couple. 

"This exercise is a small step that will unlock big momentum for your relationship," she says.

"Your partner will start supporting you with your needs because you're making your requests small and specific which makes them feel confident that they are going to get it right for you. Speaking up more and seeing your partner respond more positively to your requests will in turn boost your confidence in the relationship"

What's more, Megs says even the small amount of time it takes to run this experiment can show you how much more connected and light your communication can be.

"Letting go of the frustration of unspoken expectations and unfulfilled needs lightens your mood and opens you up to being more yourself again."

Megs says the roommate rut is incredibly common in modern marriages, which is why she is so committed to helping couples through to the other side. 

"The good news is that if there's still a foundation of love underneath, then with a handful of simple skills you can completely change the trajectory of your marriage, even at this point," she says. 

"If you're ready to leave the roommates rut behind for good and finally hear yourself say 'we're the best we've ever been' come join the Heirloom Marriage Society where you'll learn a simple and efficient system for healing the cycle of disconnection and overcoming your persistent challenges, so you can be the thriving family unit you know you can be."

Feature Image: Supplied.