opinion

The reasons for Theresa May's resignation explained in a simple analogy about a dirty skirt.

On Friday, Theresa May declared that she will be stepping down as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Essentially because… well, Brexit. In an emotional statement, the Tory leader said she is leaving the role with “deep regret” that she couldn’t deliver a deal on how/when her country would ditch the European Union.

Confused about the whole thing? You’re not alone, friend. Even the people who are supposed to be doing Brexit for their actual jobs have no idea what it is or how to make it be A Thing. So, allow us to present, in the most facile way we can think of – and one that listeners to Mamamia Out Loud will be all too familiar with – the UK Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit dilemma, in one clumsy analogy about a very messy skirt. A skirt that Theresa May no longer wants to wear.

So back in the hazy days of 2016’s northern Summer, the people of Great Britain did something gross. 

They voted on whether – as a nation that comprises four countries, England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland – they wanted to stay as a part of the continent of Europe, or leave, and stand alone as Great(ish) Britain.

The people who wanted to leave Europe were called The Brexiteers. And they were led by an annoying little racist in a flat cap and an annoying big ginger man with a loud voice. The people who wanted to stay in Europe were called the Remainers, and they were led (although not very convincingly, obviously) by the then-Prime Minister of Britain, a nice-enough posh chap called David Cameron.

The people, much to their future embarrassment, voted with the loud ginger and the flat-cap guy, and in doing so, made such a mess that Prime Minister Cameron had to resign. As a Remainer, he was hardly the person to guide the nation through what is possibly the most complex legal geopolitical negotiation of our era, and so a woman – posh again, steely, good at a hard stare – stepped up to the glass cliff. Her name is Theresa May, and she is Britain’s second-ever female Prime Minister.

Listen to Mamamia’s daily news podcast deep dive into Brexit. Post continues after audio.

You could say (and I will) that PM May was left with a big smelly turd on her lap, and tasked with cleaning it up.

Now, none of the people who dumped the poo there – the flat-cap racist, the loud ginger, any of their posse of victorious pals – wanted anything to do with the clean up. They all backed away slowly, pointing at the mess.

Soon everyone was doing the same. “Gosh,” the Brexiteers and Remainers alike said, pointing at May’s messy skirt. “What a smelly old poo you’ve got there. What an enormous mess. What are you going to do about that, then?”

So they left May to head off to Brussels – where the European Parliament lives – to try to clean it off. This proved much, much harder than it looked. It seemed that all of the millions of stakeholders in this mind-bendingly complicated process were all upset about something different – immigration, currency, what happens to Northern Ireland’s border with European Ireland, trade deals, freedom of movement – and no-one could agree on anything.

“Use the stain-remover,” some of them said, gesturing at the poo stain. “Use the scourer!” Others shouted.

“Maybe you’re going to need a trowel.”

“No, you need a warm cloth and some salt to get that out.”

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The only thing that anyone could agree on was that however May was trying to get the shit off her skirt – scrubbing this way, rubbing that – she was definitely doing it wrong.

Every time she returned to the UK Parliament with another plan for how to get rid herself and the nation of the stinking mess, her fellow Parliamentarians would listen to her idea, talk amongst themselves and then have a vote.

Watch: John Oliver on Brexit’s aftermath. Post continues after audio.

The votes kept saying, “No. That’s a terrible idea. Scrub harder.”

May had planned to publish the Withdrawal Agreement Bill on Friday. She said it was “one last chance” to get the skirt clean. But again, they said, “scrub harder”.

Instead, May has announced that, on June 7, she’s simply going to take the skirt off and hand it to some other poor bugger. Probably a bloke.

This shit-show has now been going on for TWO YEARS AND 11 MONTHS.

The official divorce date between Britain and Europe was meant to be March 29. It’s now looking like October 31.

And we all need to hope that before the auspicious date, that Spotless lady Shannon Lush gets her hands on the skirt, because if she doesn’t, the world is facing a NO DEAL BREXIT.

Look, it sounds terrifying, but I can’t tell you what that is because no-one has even the faintest idea.

Another thing that could happen is that the Leader of the Opposition – a man called Jeremy Corbyn, who’s like Bernie Sanders except not as good – gets his way and a General Election is called. Although, since he’d likely be the one to end up with the skirt, no one knows why he’s asking for that.

And then there’s also a large section of the Parliament and population who wants everyone to just admit that people don’t really know anything anyway and that the public referendum on Brexit should happen all over again. Except something different should happen at the end. And then it would be like the shit was never on the skirt in the first place.

And it was all a terrible dream.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

You can follow Holly Wainwright on Facebook here. And buy her books, here

Listen to Holly, Jessie Stephens and Mia Freedman talking Brexit and shit-skirt on Mamamia Out Loud:

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