This week I was trying to remember the first time someone loved my jiggly belly, my squishy arms, my round cheeks – the parts of me I had been taught were inferior because they didn’t measure up to our culture’s unfortunate standard of conformity (I think the phrase “standard of conformity” is more accurate than “beauty standard” because this culture’s obsession with thinness, light skin, able bodies, and youth has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with control).
I could remember this person perfectly.
His name is Sam. We met in kind of an unorthodox way, almost ten years ago. I was working in radio. I had graduated from being a producer to having my own call-in radio show at CBS San Francisco.
The live shows were recorded and turned into podcasts. Sam had stumbled upon some of the recordings. He wrote me this long, incredible, beautiful email detailing his curiosity about me and the arduous research he had to do to find my email address (this was before social media was really a THING-thing).
He said that one thing he was struck by was how I expressed uncertainty about myself on the show, and he encouraged me never to apologise because I was perfect.
At the time I was still dieting, still chasing the affection of misogynists and fatphobic lovers who weren’t worth my time (as one does, often, when dieting), and had not yet been introduced to fat liberation.
His words were like some kind of heavenly balm.
We started talking on the phone and instantly connected. He loved how blunt and over-sharey I was. He loved how much I talked about my period, my sexuality, my dissatisfaction with the culture as I knew it.
Top Comments
I understand this on such a deep level. The way I look at it is that healthy comes in many forms- and it’s a cop out and really has nothing to do with the people that use that line. Yes we have preferences but to reject someone based on their appearance alone is just shallow and nobody needs that. I think this is what you had meant by the asshole line. As a fellow fat girl, thank you.
Also, never trust a doctor that loves a jiggly belly.
C'mon, you aren't seriously pulling the old 'concerned about their health' line?
C'mon, you aren't seriously pulling the old 'white night to save the helpless maiden' line?
More seriously, more and more the line is "The standard you walk past is the standard you accept", a big part of #metoo was how few other people supported the vulnerable or called out poor or unhealthy behavior. This article is part "only partner up with a person that you are compatible with" and part "being overweight is not an issue, it is all fashion and the medical fraternity getting us down, man".
When I was at uni, over 25 years ago, I had a friend who'd make fun of larger people behind their back. When I tried to call him out on it, he'd say "It's not healthy to be fat", and then smirk.
I am not sure what your smug at his own health but is probably overweight now (25 years changes a man) friend has to do with calling out enabling behavior.
I will give you the credit of a memory like an elephant though! If I remembered all the teasing/inappropriate commenting that I have witnessed since I became an adult - well gee I dunno I just can't conceptualise that!