Are you the 'monologuer' of your friend group? If you're not sure, you probably are.

Do you have a friend that just... won't stop talking

It's that person who can talk forever and won't leave any room for anyone else to speak. Sometimes they might invite you into the conversation before using your talking time to then shift the conversation back to themselves. 

This is a person who leaves a conversation thinking you both had a great catchup. You however, leave the conversation tired, drained and annoyed that you know so much about a person that knows nothing about you. 

Your friend is a classic monologuer. 

Watch: 8 signs of a toxic friendship.

Video via Mamamia.

Writer Anne Kadet posted on Substack about having a friend who would monologue every time they caught up. 

She also asked her readers if any of them were known for being "long-talkers" and why they thought they monologued. Some of the responses including reasoning like that they get really excited about certain topics, they have a neurodiversity like ADHD or that they're just bad listeners. 

In television and films, monologue characters are often seen as an annoying, yet comical addition where they're the only person who doesn't see their talking being a flaw. The other characters, as well as the audience, share an eye roll and a sigh every time the monologuers start talking just like Uncle Colm in Derry Girls, Donkey in Shrek and Kelly Kapoor in The Office


I (thankfully) don't have anyone in my life who I would label as a monologuer, but I have had many experiences with something that I think is worse... the continuer.

The continuer could also be a monologuer but their monologue doesn't end when they've stopped talking. With some monologuers, although they don't stop talking, when (or if) you're able to get a few words in, they actually incorporate what you're saying within their monologue. The continuer just waits for you to finish talking so they can talk again. How dare you try to contribute to their conversation that they're having with themself! 

The continuer doesn't actually care about what you have to say at all... If you're talking to a continuer, you can tell that they're not actually taking in anything you're saying, instead you see the cogs in their brain working overtime waiting for you to hurry and finish so they can say what they wanted to say regardless of where the conversation was heading. 

Since learning about monologuers, I've been racking my brain wondering why I don't have any chronic talkers in my life... and then I realised... it's because the monologuer in my life is me. 

I began recalling what were once fun but now cringeworthy memories of me out at dinner with friends or on the phone to family and having what I thought at the time were fun and engaging conversations. 


I was trying to remember what we would talk about and realised that I couldn't remember what we talked about because there was no we in question. They were all conversations between me, myself and I. After those events, my friends went away knowing every single thing that has been going on in my life (and more) and I went away with a good feeling of letting everything out. 

I was ashamed of the type of friend I was and I was so worried that I had hurt them. I couldn't let it rest so I called one of my friends who had unfortunately been the biggest victim to my heinous speech flow. 

She told me that my job as a full-time podcaster was my saving grace (I love capitalism). She said that she thinks because I "talk" so much for work, I've been taking the wheel more in conversations. She also said that when I used to monologue, it came from a place of not having an outlet to get everything off my chest. 

Since starting therapy, I've noticed that because you have to monologue to your therapist, I didn't need to use my friends as an outlet anymore. I am, however, so grateful to have them there to listen to my monologues if I ever just need to vent. 

Since understanding my own monologuing habit, I've grown to realise that a lot of the men in my life also monologue. I would go on dates with guys who wouldn't stop talking about themselves and I would leave that date thinking they were obnoxious and stuck up and I would feel annoyed about how much I know about them and how disinterested they seemed in me. 


I now think that they just didn't have an outlet, and that a date was probably the first time in a long time where they had someone who was genuinely interested in what was going on in their life. 

And then there's the type of monologuer that just enjoys listening to the sound of their own voice. Those are the monologuers that should be confronted. 

Listen to Em Vernem monologue about monologuing on this episode of the Mamamia Out Loud podcast. Post continues below.

I remember going on a date with a guy and I asked him if he had any siblings. He told me he had a sister so I asked about her. He replied and then kept going and going and going and going. When he was finally done, he just sat in silence... waiting for me to ask another question. 

Instead, I replied "Not that you asked, but I also have a sister." 

This strategy works brilliantly on monologuers. It keeps is light and funny but alerts them to their behaviour and from experience, they quickly adjust their course of action to include you in their one-sided conversation. 

Not all monologuers are bad but they all should all be aware of their habits... you just need to find a gap in their conversation to tell them. 

If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Canva. 

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