I’m not sure if there will ever be an easy way to begin this discussion.

I’ve written this introduction six times over the past two days. The approaches I’ve taken have ranged from uncomfortably casual to the sort of cliché you expect at the start of a bad college essay; none of them have managed to capture the complex and solemn nature of suicide.

This is because, in a culture continuing to grow more aware and comfortable with the wide scope of mental illness, suicide is the ever-present villain that looms over the heads of those who consider it — even for a moment. It forever colours the lives of the victims it claims. It is pages torn from a beautiful story, the ending ripped out of a book by its author.(Post continues after gallery.)

Mental health services in Australia

The Butterfly Foundation

Whether it exists in your mind for a moment or goes further, it stays with you forever. Though you can and hopefully will move forward from it, there will continue to be times when it permeates your thoughts. This is inevitable and completely okay — and I can tell you this, because I’ve been there.

Nearly 10 years ago, I wrote and rewrote a note I thought would be the last words I’d leave behind. It sat folded in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore on a day I was sure I’d make my last.

Though I never ended up needing it, the message always remains with me. This is because every impossible problem proved to be solvable; every difficult personal qualm that once stood like a monument in my world was eroded by further experience and the passing of time.(Post continues after gallery.)

Mental health services in Australia

I’m going to share that note with you today, as best as I can recall it. In addition, I’d like to share each and every way its sentiments proved to be untrue in the hopes that you will understand that life gets better — from the perspective of someone who’s been there.

If I’ve learned one thing in the years since this letter was written, it’s that no one is made for this world—we make this world. Each and every one of us decides, every single day, to continue pushing forth and writing our stories. To whoever finds this, I’m sorry.

“I don’t think I belong here. I’ve spent so much time trying to fit in and trying to be what other people want, and I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want anyone to miss me or mourn that I’m gone. For the first and only time, I’m going to feel free of everything I’ve failed to be. This feels like the only decision I can ever make that will really be my own.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why everything hurts so much all the time and why I can’t seem to get close to anyone, except the few that actually care about me, and even to them I feel more like a burden than anything else. I feel like something is missing, and I don’t know what, but it’s eating me up inside.

Image: iStock

I don’t want to be the one everyone needs to take care of all the time. I’m so tired of feeling like I’ll never be good enough to be loved. The people in my life deserve better than that, and I deserve better than that.

The world isn’t meant for me. It’s cold and unkind.

Mum and Dad, I’m so sorry for doing this to you. You deserved a better son, one that could live up to all the things you wanted. I hope you know that you’re wonderful parents, and I don’t think I could’ve been raised by people more loving. I wish I could’ve been more.

Chris (my older brother), don’t ever stop chasing what you want. You told me when we were little that the world can eat you alive if you let it, and I think it’s taken me. Please, don’t ever let it get to you. Take over the world if you have to.

Finally, Mike, my cousin, my only friend. Thank you for trying to save me, but I’m beyond saving. You made things as easy as you could, and the last thing I want is to continue to take from you. Never forget how loved you are, and never forget how much you can accomplish.

If I’ve learned one thing in my time here, it’s that some of us are made for this world and some of us aren’t. I love you all.

Matthew Joseph Diaz."

No matter how much time passes, I don’t think there will ever be a day when reciting that note doesn’t make me feel like a frightened 15-year-old again. I’m crying as I type this — and while half of it is a sadness at how lost I felt, the other is a deeply rooted happiness that I’m still here.

Image: iStock

Now, let’s look at the letter again through the lens of how things have changed.

"To whoever finds this, I’m sorry

I don’t think I belong here. I’ve spent so much time trying to fit in and trying to be what other people want, and I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want anyone to miss me or mourn that I’m gone. For the first and only time, I’m going to feel free of everything I’ve failed to be. This feels like the only decision I can ever make that will really be my own.

I don’t feel like any of us think we belong here, really. This isn’t indicative of our value as people, nor does it mean we “shouldn’t be here.” That feeling is one of yearning — the innate need within every person to figure out exactly what it means to be themselves. The feeling was ultimately made worse under the false notion that trying to fit in was the way to fix it; as though the journey to one’s self is like fi