celebrity

All the ways Meghan Markle has ruined the world as we know it.

Warning: You may clutch your pearls a number of times whilst reading this story.

Meghan Markle has some explaining to do, because the world has put up with her right royal ruckus for far too long.

But before you go thinking what we know you’re thinking about the increasingly hysterical backlash around the Duchess of Sussex, let’s get something straight. This isn’t even about her being Hollywood famous any more. And it definitely isn’t about her being… not white.

Even though British ‘social commentator’ Katie Hopkins told 60 Minutes Australia last night, “We’ve got so much better of our own” than Markle.

Watch: The promo for Katie Hopkins’ 60 Minutes interview on Meghan Markle. Post continues after video

Video by 60 Minutes

And even though media identity Piers Morgan told his audience that the 38-year-old should “Go back to America”.

Nope, that’s definitely not what it’s about.

To say the growing controversy over Markle has anything to do with her being born in a different country, or the fact she is biracial? Well, that’s just ‘playing the race card’.

Because, the whole sorry situation is entirely Meghan’s fault caused by her behaviour, and no-one can be blamed for simply reacting to her crimes.

Just take a look at the disastrous series of events which Meghan single-handedly set in motion in the past month.

Going on a family holiday.

Last month, Markle forced her family to have the world’s first-ever family holiday.

And now, bloody everyone wants to go on a European vacation.

On top of that, Meghan forced Prince Harry and their son, Archie, aboard FOUR private jet flights as they holidayed around Europe.

ADVERTISEMENT

These flights were about Meghan flaunting her status and wealth, and had absolutely nothing to do with her and Harry’s desire for some privacy from a voracious and vicious public, or safety concerns after Harry’s mum died while literally being chased by the paparazzi.

And did you know one of the jets belonged to Elton John, made complicit against his will? His offering of his jet to the royals was not related to his intimate friendship with Princess Diana, Harry’s mum, but was clearly a case of a celebrity-planet-hating conspiracy…

…Creating ALL the carbon emissions and climate change.

Obviously, there was no issue with climate change or anyone’s carbon footprint before Meghan forced her family on these flights.

Now there’s a massive hole in the Ozone layer, the Antarctic is melting, and the Earth will end in the next 100 years.

Thanks a lot, Markle.

It thus seems only reasonable that she be held responsible for the premature deaths of our grandchildren’s great-grandchildren; an event which will be known in the future as the Markle-pocalypse.

Making Serena Williams LOSE.

Despite her dedication to yoga and all things good vibrations, Markle took bad vibes to watch her friend Serena Williams play in the final of the US Open.

Leaving her vulnerable infant at home with no-one but his other parent, Markle fled England to support her friend.

But…Williams lost. Markle’s presence was a bad luck charm, as the tabloids have helpfully identified.

Let that be a matter for her conscience.

Being a vegan.

Apparently Markle follows a mostly-vegan diet; but no, the damage here is not to the stellar public reputation of vegans.

We’ve heard (completely fictitious) rumours that the meat industry is organising a class action against her for loss of profits, a la Oprah vs the Beef industry in 1996.

Forget drought; Markle’s the one truly hurting meat farmers.

The state of the royal family.

The Windsors are currently the laughing stock of the European aristocracies, but don’t think for a minute that has anything to do with Prince Andrew and his long-running friendship with convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

Or those rumours about Prince William and Kate and trouble at their country estate.

Or any one of the outfits worn by Princess Eugenie and/or Beatrice.

ADVERTISEMENT

No, the once stately royal family is imploding, and Markle, married to the man who’s sixth in line to the throne, is responsible.

She is not an ‘English rose’ like Kate. She’s a feminist, an activist, and dear God, she even insisted that women’s faces showed freckles on the September Vogue cover she guest-edited.

(Gasp as you clutch your pearls at that one.)

Then there’s the expensive reno to Frogmore House, the refusal to show off her newborn the minute he was born, and every single person on the planet being excluded from Archie’s Christening.

Oh, and the irreparable rift between William and Harry, which could not possibly be put down to siblings growing up and making their own families.

No, as Jan Brady would say: Markle, Markle, Markle.

Hosts of the Spill, Kee Reece & Laura Brodnik discuss why the world’s not happy with Karl Stefanovic thanks to Meghan Markle. Post continues after podcast.

School drop off.

The incredibly fashionable Markle can be solely blamed for inspiring Kate to up her glam game in recent times, as most recently displayed at Princess Charlotte’s first day of school.

But Kate looking ridiculously radiant in turn made millions of women around the world feel totally sh*t about how they look at school drop off in the mornings.

We predict this will soon effect activewear sales, too.

The fires in the Amazon.

The fires are of such international significance, and such a perfect metaphor for Markle’s effect on the world, that it seems only fitting the Duchess is held responsible for at least some of it.

Oh, and maybe also plastic straws.

Whilst this list of how Markle has f***ed up the world is non-exhaustive, we’ve covered the main areas of concern.

You may now release your pearls.

Remember: This has nothing, we repeat, nothing, to do with race. Look away.

Nama Winston has had a decade-long legal career (paid), and a decade-long parenting career (sadly unpaid). Nama uses her past experience as a lawyer to examine everything from politics, to parenting. You can follow her on Instagram: @namawinston and Facebook: @NamaWinston.

00:00 / ???