real life

Forty things you know to be true if you are over 30.

1. Nothing good happens at 3am.

2. You should never buy the smallest size you can fit in to.

3. Everyone needs therapy.

4. If you are single, no one can decide if you are pathetic or dangerous.

5. Grey hair is beautiful, grey roots make you look deranged.

6. Time flies. Fact.

7. You are a probably a little bit of an alcoholic. Unless you are actually an alcoholic in which case you may have given up drinking.

8. Worry is both your enemy and your closest companion.

9. You are always hungry.

10. Finding your first grey pube is a terrible shock. And then you move on.

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11. You are always curious about your shrink’s sex life.

12. Your mother is in shop windows.

13. If you check out of technology, you are checking out of life. Don’t do it.

14. You become aware of your legacy. This might turn you into Tony Blair so be careful.

15. You become obsessed with death admin but not death itself… yet.

16. If you don’t have any old friends you should be worried.

17. You talk about sleep more than you talk about sex.

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18. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. Contempt does.

19. Things get stuck in your teeth.

20. Something always hurts.

21. And then you think it’s cancer.

22. You know more and less at the same time. You think they might cancel each other out. So where does that leave us?

23. Good sleep is better than good sex.

24. Weird things start growing on your face.

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25. You will have a piece of Emma Bridgewater pottery in your cupboard. You don’t remember buying it.

26. Moths make you panic. Even talking about them makes you panic. MOTHS. PANIC.

27. You arrive everywhere 20 minutes early.

Our resident millennial, Jessie, is always running late. Not a midult. (Post continues after audio.)

28. It really bothers you when someone puts an apostrophe in the wrong place. You wish it didn’t, but it does. You’re THAT person.

29. Sometimes you drink so much coffee you truly believe you can see your heart beat.

30. If you’re Little Tired, have a sleep. If you’re Big Tired, get some help.

31. You can have all the feelings at the same time *throws remote control out of window* *tries to have sex with plumber* *cries and donates $10 to Syria* *makes self laugh* *makes self cry*

32. You have 25 different kinds of herbal tea. You don’t much like any of them. You’d rather have a Diet Coke. But you probably won’t.

33. Perfection is for other people.

34. Swearing f*cking helps.

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35. There is a conspiracy of silence around hormones: they need looking after.

36. You can’t bank sleep.

37. It is perfectly possible to have a fulfilling imaginary relationship with Tom Hardy.

38. Step away from the waterfall cardigan.

39. This is the rush hour of life: we have spots, wrinkles and possibly braces. Who knew?

40. If you need to cancel, you need to cancel.

Want more? 13 THINGS ON EVERY MIDULT’S LIST

This post was originally published on The Midult and has been republished with full permission.

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