I’ve never met anyone who dislikes the band Coldplay.
Even Kanye West, arguably the most famous rapper of this decade, has a soft spot for their upbeat piano ditties and wistful vocals. Kanye lovingly featured the band’s frontman Chris Martin on his single Homecoming, and it’s one of my favourite tunes.
The 80 million people who have purchased Coldplay records can’t be wrong. Among those 80 million are all of my friends, who will pipe up with “I LOVE this song!” whenever they hear Paradise or any other single.
But do you know who’s NOT in the 80 million club? Me. And would you care to know who is NOT in Paradise? Definitely me.
And that’s because Coldplay has been forever ruined for me, because my friend Madison Missina explained something that I can’t quite forget.
You may have heard Coldplay took their name from “a book of children’s poetry?”
Well, sorry to break it to you, but it’s possible that the band got their name from a sex act.
Coldplay is a sex act. A kinky, kinky sex act. And now I can't get their songs out of my head, and it's driving me insane. All Coldplay lyrics now resemble a freaky sex act. I mean, WHAT was "all yellow"?! Wait, don't tell me, because if it's about kinky sex, then I DO NOT want to know.
I made this gruesome discovery while recording the latest episode of The Prude and the Pornstar. Madison was casually explaining the process of using objects from your kitchen as sex toys, and how sensual it is to take metal cutlery, pop it in the freezer for a bit, then take it out and gently press the cold cutlery into your partner’s skin.
And voila, sexy cold play time. (Post continues after audio.)
It's another type of Paradise, I suppose.
Anyway, as soon as she said Coldplay we both locked eyes and thought the exact same thing. In my mind’s eye, I could see Chris Martin grinning and wiggling his blonde eyebrows, as his pasty arm extended to poke Gwyneth’s pilates-toned arm with a frozen soup spoon, back in the good ol’ days of their marriage.
Hear Madison explain the biggest difference between having sex with a woman vs with a man. (Post continues after video.)