19 people on what their wedding night was really like.

Image: iStock

Ah, the wedding night.

An evening of unbridled romance, passion and endless love making as man and wife? A night where you both collapse into each other’s arms and spend the night in naked wedded bliss, completely unaware of the world outside of your love bubble?

Or maybe something else entirely?

14 makeup things every bride needs on her wedding day.

Recently, Reddit online subscriber Callate asked fellow readers to describe what their wedding night was REALLY like. The results were well, hilarious.

It seems that the wedding night is not what the movies make it out to be. That is… very few people have sex,

While most couples feel they should do the deed on their first night as a newlyweds, the majority are so damn tired (or smashed) that just walking to the bed feels like an effort.

Here are some of the best responses from the Reddit thread:

This is the number 1 most common sex injury

1. “She sat on the floor in front of me. We watched T.V. while I took the 6,000 hairpins out of her hair. It was a horrible game of pick up sticks as they were all intertwined. After that we crashed.”

2. “My wife was literally crying because I was taking too long to undo the 800 buttons on the back of her dress that was now hurting her shoulders too much to wear. Then she cried as I pulled out the 8000 hair pins for her hair. A few strands of hair and 30 minutes later we attempted sex, both decided we were tired and went to bed.”

3. “Terrible. We got back to the hotel, I carried her across the threshold, and we began to consummate our vows. Moments after we started, there’s a knock at the door. It’s my mum. She then said we should both come down and visit with the family. Not preferred.”

4. “I had the flu, so I left the reception early and went to bed shivering violently and puking and shitting, while my very introverted husband was a gracious host to 40 people. We didn’t have sex for a week.”

5. “Got drunk at the after-party and eventually, somehow, fell into bed. New wife jumped on top of me expecting marital sexy times… a bout of nausea immediately hit me, I screamed “Get the f*** off me!”, pushed her off the bed and ran, puking all the way, to the bathroom.”

6. "Let me set the scene.....Hotel room setup before our arrival with flowers, candles, champagne, snacks, music playing softly....We enter to find this beautiful jacuzzi tub begging for some action. As my new bride slips into the bathroom to freshen up I begin to fill the jacuzzi with hot water. While it fills up I begin to set the mood with candles placed around the room and the edge of the tub so I can romanticize my new better half. As she enters the room I can see the joy and love in her eyes. We movie style rip each others cloths off and slide into the steaming tub dimly glowing under candle light. After a brief period of vigorously fondling each other I reach over and hit the button to start the jets. Then without warning we learned the error of our ways... The vibrations emitted from the buzzing spa pump were just strong enough to make the strategically placed mood lighting dance across the edge of the tub. Causing the candles to take a death plunge into the water splashing our naked unsuspecting bodies with molten lava like wax."

7. "Terrible. I had a super bad flu. We did the deed because we felt it was necessary. It was hot and awful. I went to the hospital the next day."


8. "We both had too much to drink, went to the hotel room and passed out until about 11 p.m.. Then got up and ate terrible Chinese food and finally tried fooling around which was terrible and we finally gave up."

9. "Eloped without telling anyone and got married in the basement of the courthouse. Went home, wife went to her overnight job while I laid on the couch and watched tv."

10. "Yeah I had just enough energy to put my dress away then collapsed like a cheap card table."

11. "My in-laws got us a hotel room for the night in a cutesy inn. The room was directly above theirs."

12. We took the advice of many married friends and didn't even bother. That is, we decided we wouldn't care if we didn't. At the end of the night we were exhausted from the day and just wanted to sleep.

13. Awful! Parents rented a hotel room for the reception since it snowed that day and would be doing so all night. Parents insisted that they stay in the hotel room instead of my husband and me. Parents had me baby sit my 11 year old brother so they could have alone time on my wedding night. Husband had to work at midnight as well since he had just started a new job and couldn't get the day off.

14. "My ex wife found bedbugs in the honeymoon suite and was like 'This isn't going to work'. 'The room?' 'No. The marriage'."

15. "We got to the hotel, had a glass of champagne, changed out of our formal clothes and then pretty much passed out from the very long day."

After reading some of the responses from the Reddit thread, Mamamia staff added their own memories of their wedding night.

16. "My husband didn't want to leave our dogs alone for the night so we went back home and slept with two rotweillers on our bed.

17. "I changed out of the shape wear  I'd been wearing all day and into something more 'wedding night appropriate'. I came out of the bathroom to find him asleep on the couch so I ate some chips from the mini bar and nodded off."

18. "Nothing says sexy like helping your bride take out 100 bobby pins and her fake hair. Guaranteed wedding night sex right there."

19. "My then husband and I were starving and ordered burgers because we'd spent the whole night kissing relatives we didn't have time to eat.  Plus I made him have sex with me even though neither of us really wanted to do it just so I wasn't in that stat of something like 80% of couples don't have sex on their wedding night.  Also he had to undo about 50 covered buttons on the back of my dress which is a total mood killer."

I think the moral of the story here is that we shouldn't expect great things from the wedding night. For most of us, all that pressure combined with a long, emotional day is not going to equal bedroom magic. Relax though, you've got the rest of your lives to make up for it.

In case you don't heed out advice and wake up on the morning after your wedding feeling a little ahh, worse for wear, here are some of the best fruit water recipes to rehydrate you and get you feeling human again.

How did your wedding night compare?