weddings

In 2020, there are only 10 people who really want to go to your wedding.

Jerry Seinfeld said it best: “Nobody wants to go to your wedding!”

That was in 2002, almost 20 years before COVID-19 turned ‘Wedding Attendance’ into news headlines.  

The sentiment couldn’t be more relevant today. Especially when those weddings still going ahead are causing some guests to feel apprehensive about drinking, dancing (and drunk dancing) in larger groups. And who needs anxious vibes at a wedding? Nobody. Nobody wants anxious vibes at your wedding! 

Watch: Things people never say at weddings. Post continues below.


Video via Mamamia

That’s why 'micro weddings' are such a good remedy. You get the intimate soirée you’ve secretly been wishing for and your very nearest and dearest feel secure in the knowledge that your distant cousin Desmond (the one who frequents Muscle Magic Gym eight times a week) won’t be coughing all over their canapes. 

So, who makes the cut? I know, you don’t want to make Cheryl from accounts cry when you withdraw her invitation. Nobody wants to make Cheryl from accounts cry.

Luckily, there are only about 10 people who genuinely want to come to your wedding. I’ve listed them below for your convenience.  

1 & 2. Your parents. 

They paid for the venue hire after all. They’re also busting to say something like, “Now that you two are married, you might consider moving out of our second bedroom?” during their speech. 

3. Aunty Joan. 

Aunty Joan bought a new dress as soon as she received your ‘Save the Date’ in December 2019. She’d really like to wear that dress. And the matching purse she purchased on Catch.com last week. Aunty Joan also has a new iPad she’s keen to take for a spin. 

Hopefully, her iPad cover will arrive in time. It’s lime green (to match her outfit) and won’t ruin your wedding photos at all. 

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Buying things online has been helping Aunty Joan get through the long days at home with Uncle John. (Side note: Uncle John definitely doesn’t want to go to your wedding. He hasn’t wanted to go to a wedding since 1979.) Aunty Joan really needs an afternoon away from Uncle John. Throw her a bone.  

Image: Supplied.

4. Your niece or nephew. 

Did someone say easy access to cake? Yes please. They’ll happily look past the itchy tulle and constrictive tux, as long as you seat them next to dessert.

5. Your brother.

Your brother is super supportive. And he enjoys free booze significantly more than the average Joe. 

6. Your brother’s partner.  

Your brother’s partner has always looked up to you. Also, there are outfits to be assessed and hints to be made to your brother.

“See how happy your parents look? Aren’t weddings great? Wouldn’t you like to make your parents this happy at a wedding someday? Your wedding? Our Wedding? MY WEDDING?!” 

7. Best mate. 

Best mate is a single parent and will take any opportunity to drop the kids off with the ex for a night out in da club (garden marquee). Oh yeah and because best mate loves you both and all that. 

Image: Supplied.

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8. The family dog. 

What do you mean the ceremony is in a National Park? Change the location then. The family dog wants IN. 

9. Your fiancé’s uni buddy who you haven’t spoken to in years. 

As soon as he saw your announcement pic on Insta, he’s been texting you constantly to ask when the date would be set, so he could book his interstate flight. You had no intention of inviting him. 

Put the poor bugger out of his misery! Anyone who wants to go to your wedding that badly deserves to be there.

Just remember to have a valid excuse ready to go when he asks to stay on your couch.  

10. Your celebrant. And your photographer. And your planner, florist, driver and string quartet. 

They all really want (need) to come to your wedding. Unless the ceremony is situated on a beach, then the string quartet would rather not. 

There you have it. A micro wedding guest list minus the agonising and fuss. 

Don’t worry about Cheryl from accounts. Cheryl will be fine, she understands. Cheryl is happiest when she’s curled up next to her pet ferret, watching NCIS on a Saturday night anyway. 

Tami Sussman is a writer and surprisingly delightful marriage celebrant. She’s also the most cynical participant in your parents’ group chat and servant to an exceptionally needy toy poodle.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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