weddings

The wedding etiquette rule that needs to be abandoned. Immediately.

There are some things in life I’m ambivalent about.

Big dogs or little dogs? (I’ll have both, pls).

Top sheet or no top sheet? (You do you).

Is Kylie Jenner pregnant or no? I’m…unfussed.

And then there are the things I am willing to settle myself in the trenches for, and fight until the battle is won.

One of those things is – for some reason – about weddings.

Am I engaged? Hell no. I’m not sure I’ll ever get married. But none of that matters.

What matters is that you won’t be getting a goddamn plus one to my goddamn hypothetical wedding.

Of course, your partner might be invited by virtue of me having actually met them and thinking they’re fine. But just because you get an invite doesn’t mean you can bring someone you’ve been dating for two-and-half-weeks who smells a bit funny and likes to talk about 911 conspiracy theories.

They shan’t be at my wedding.

I worked at a wedding venue for five years, and I know how much the bride and groom pay per head. It is for this reason I nearly had a panic attack when I somehow found myself as someone else’s plus one at a very beautiful wedding (he had been dumped a few days prior by a long term girlfriend) and I had to introduce myself to the newly married couple as we entered the reception.

It was awful.

I wanted to dig into my pocket and give them $200 while mumbling “Sorry… so sorry”.

As Lucy Mangan, author of The Reluctant Bride, says, “I hate plus ones. Friends are friends, they often marry nice people but if you’re honest they never really become your friend too. Inviting them just doubles the guest list and often the plus one doesn’t even really want to be there.

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“People should be grown up enough to say ‘I am the friend and I am more than an indissoluble body from my partner’. It’s slightly childish and self indulgent if they can’t. As for inviting someone you don’t know so they can keep someone company, stuff that.”

But according to the knower-of-all-the-things, Google, the “rule of thumb” is that you extend a plus-one to whoever is in a committed relationship. Apparently, “it shouldn’t matter whether or not you’ve met their partner”.

Oh, but goodness it does.

Too many a random has popped up in the background of black and white, fading wedding photos, as couples in their 80s ask, “Who on earth is that young chap in the suspenders?”

Too many an uncle has been stuck talking to the lone boyfriend, who is actually trying to find a television so he can catch the end of the rugby league.

Too many a grandma has shaken her head, too exasperated to even learn the name of this new partner, as she mutters, “I can’t keep up…”

If the worst thing that happens to one of your friends, is that they must attend a beautiful wedding, with (perhaps) complimentary food and alcohol, and be blessed by the company of all those who matter to you – then I extend my deepest sympathies.

We must free ourselves from the tyranny of the plus one.

Invite to your wedding whomever you damn well please.

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