“We” are NEVER pregnant.
Announcing a pregnancy is super exciting news for anyone – and doubly so for a couple who have been struggling with fertility.
For a dad-to-be it’s a thrilling, deeply personal joyful time. Your future is laid about before you. You’re becoming a family. You are going to be a father. You are going to go through experiences you could never imagine.
But what you AREN’T going to be is pregnant.
Do you think someone needs to tell John Legend that? You see just two days ago he and his wife, supermodel Chrissy Teigen announced their delightful news on Instagram.
The 29-year old supermodel wrote: “John and I are so happy to announce that we are pregnant :) As many of you know, we’ve been trying to have a baby for a while now. It hasn’t been easy, but we kept trying because we can’t wait to bring our first child into the world and grow our family. We’re so excited that it’s finally happening. Thank you for all your love and well wishes. I look forward to all the belly touching!”
Super-successful crooner hubby following it up with one simple sentence.
Yes, wonderful, lovely, exiting delightful.
But no. No no no no no no no no.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I am pretty sure that is still a thing of the future (and very bad Arnold Swarzenegger movies).
I mean if it was possible I couldn’t imagine two lovelier celebrities to be the first to undergo it. Can’t you just envisage the two of them hand in hand both in labor with John serenading Chrissy through his screams.
My head’s under water But I’m breathing fine. You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind.
(And can I just say what perfect labouring lyrics he has already.)
But he might just have to take a supporting role in this performance because there is only one person going to have that baby, and it isn’t John.
Look I am not throwing shade on their happy news, but the idea that once a couple unite in parenthood, they become one single entity swelling and bulging and waddling, together growing a baby is just ridiculous.
In the world of celebrity couples, these two are great, they are raw and funny and sweet and loving.
But THEY are not pregnant.
Chrissy is pregnant. Chrissy is gloriously, nauseatingly, life-changingly pregnant. John Legend is about to have his life changed too, but when it comes to being pregnant, he is just along for the ride.
He’s a sidekick, a supporting act, an accompaniment. He’s the caramelized onion to her Wagu beef. The hand-cut chunky fries, not the hapuku.
There are no plurals in pregnancy (unless it’s twins).
Oh, I don’t doubt the intent behind the sentiment – the good meaning, the wish for a shared experience. But implicit in the use of the word we is that the male partner in the pregnancy goes through the same as the one who is actually pregnant.
Let’s be honest, the only “we” in pregnant is your own, at half hourly intervals for nine months.
Are “we” going to become so violently ill at the sight of anything green or crunchy that we can eat only McDonalds’s fries with extra salt for nine months?
Or am I, while “you” happily eat anything, including sushi, three-day old chicken and as much soft cheese as you wish.
Are “we” going to cease to sleep in any position at all, instead spending night-after-night tossing and turning, twisting and adjusting the bump? Or am I while you snore deeply and sleep-talk sentences like “got that monthly sales report for me” as you sigh, fart and roll back into blissful sleep.
Mila Kunis feels EXACTLY the same way. Watch her epic rant on Jimmy Kimmel. (Post continues after video)
Are “we” going to spend days trying on wide banded maternity jeans with a strange strap on silicone belly that leaves “us” in tears after every single one of them makes “us” look like an oddly shaped camel? Or am I going to bloat like a balloon prompting everyone who meets me to ask Is it twins with a look of amazement on their face while you moan about your cheese and wine belly you’ve put on “in sympathy?”
Are “we” going to break down and cry every time the ad comes on TV for Huggies? Are “we” going to have contractions? Are “we” going to get snippy every single time “you” claim you feel tired, sick or worn out.
No. NO NO NO NO.
Look I understand how wonderful it is when a partner wants to be a part of the experience and is supportive and caring and involved.
But there is plenty of time for “we”.
There is plenty of time for “us” to get up in the night to attend to that baby we made together. Plenty of time for “us” to happily share the load in caring and rearing this baby.
There is plenty of “we” when the baby comes.
But the pregnancy – a woman does solo. Sorry Chrissy and John.
Take a look at some of Chrissy and John’s other social media posts:
What do you think? Can ‘we’ ever be pregnant?