sex

'I caught my husband watching porn while we were having sex.'

It’s certainly not uncommon for married couples to have mismatched libidos, nor is it unheard of for some to have differing attitudes towards sex.

But what happens when those attitudes are so totally at odds with one another, that it starts to chip away at the relationship?

One Reddit user, who goes by the username ‘bunnythrowawayy’, recently wrote on the platform that her relationship is beginning to suffer hugely because of an issue that recently arose while she was having sex with her partner.

Their sex life, she writes, has been an “ongoing issue”, the crux of which centres on her wanting to have sex more than he does.

“He seems content to often go about two or three months without having sex,” she wrote.

“When we do it feels like it’s only happening because he knows it’s been a while. This really negatively affects my self esteem and happiness. We had a rather large three-day talk about it. He made several suggestions to me that I willingly worked on.”

The suggestions included not seeming “stressed” or “tired” and trying to not to nag “too much”.

Then, she made some suggestions of her own.

“I suggested to him that watching porn one to two times a day (as he admits he does) is likely not helping the situation. He reluctantly agreed. I want to be clear that I have no issue with porn or porn watching. I just feel hurt that I have been replaced by porn completely. At this point I would even take being second best to porn because right now it feels like I’m far from even second best.”

However, the real kicker came after that conversation.

“So then, a few days later he starts having sex with me from behind. It feels weird. Like he is distracted. I turn around and he is secretly holding up his phone behind my head to watch porn. I feel completely gutted. I honestly don’t even want to have sex with him again, I just want to protect myself from ever feeling that hurt again. He did apologise but I don’t feel better.

Listen: Porn star Madison Missina explains how we can consume porn ethically. Post continues after audio.

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“I don’t know what my specific question is…. is this something I should try to get over?”

According to Dr Janet Hall, Sex Therapist and Clinical Psychologist, first and foremost, this is not normal behaviour.

“It is NOT normal for a man to watch porn secretly while having sex. It is the ultimate betrayal,” she tells Mamamia.

“It is using the woman as a “vessel” for his porn obsession release.”

So what’s the wife to do?

“She needs to firmly tell him that it is not OK and that he needs to see a therapist and work on his obsession with porn ASAP. She is entitled to use the ultimatum that if he does not atop using porn she will leave him.

“Also, they need to see a couples therapist to make a plan for mindful, conscious-connected sex together at least twice a week. That should be ‘normal’.”

Dr Hall says couples must be careful when incorporating porn into their relationship, as it may not provide a realistic picture of what sex can and should look like.

“Including porn in couples sex is not something I can recommend as healthy. It creates unrealistic expectations of what is a turn on and what behaviours are OK. It also denies that loving connection that healthy sex needs.”

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