Let’s start with a list, nothing fancy, nothing too taxing, just a straight-up collection, randomly compiled off the top of our heads.
OK, here goes:
Things That Don’t Look Out Of Place On A Neck
Let’s see, there’s collars, ties … jewellery … and
…. and that’s about it.
Pretty short list. But I’ve got a list that’s even shorter:
Things That Do Look Out Of Place On A Neck
It’s not hard, there are only two – tattoos and hickeys. Tattoos and love bites. Tattoos and … you get the picture.
(You could mount a case for tattoos as well, but that’s a whole other argument).
A hickey certainly doesn’t belong on my 17-year-old daughter’s neck. Not today, not tomorrow. NOT EVER.
Who the hell invented them? And, more to the point, why haven’t we eradicated them? The World Wildlife Fund says 10,000 species go extinct every year, yet somehow the hickey survives. It’s the cockroach of whatever it is a hickey is.
And have you noticed how hickeys attach themselves to people of a certain age? I don’t know if science will back me up here but anecdotal evidence would suggest you’re most at risk of getting one between the ages of 15-17, give or take a year either side. And then, nothing. They leave you alone.
While we're on the subject, I don't even know why it's called a hickey. Was it named after someone? And, if so, was it the "giver" or "receiver"? Who really deserves the credit, for want of a better word? Seriously, I'd like to meet this person and show him/her my daughter’s neck.
Fact is, it's not a hickey, or a love bite, or whatever else they call them these days. It's a huge, hideous disfigurement. A temporary tattoo sucked out by a boy who's about to know better.
My daughter certainly does now. At least I think she does. I hope she does. Mind you, I said the same thing last week when she brought her first hickey home. The one I'm now banging on about is her second in successive weeks. Yes, she's two for two - and that's two too many.
I let the first one slide ... sort of. I told her what I thought of it, told her it wasn't a great look, told her we've all had/given one (although my wife swears she never has), told her I'm not going to make a big deal about it THIS TIME so as not to compound her embarrassment and self-consciousness, told her it's the last one she's going to have.
Watch the video below for how to get rid of a hickey, you know, if you really need to. Post continues after video.