sex

"I tried a sex toy I didn't even know existed for one week. And... wow."

I’m the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but until recently I never imagined I would be the type of girl who wore her vibrator around her neck. Literally.

Nor would I have thought that I would be the type of girl who would have to come up with an answer to the question “why is your chest vibrating?” in the middle of a big, important meeting while simultaneously trying to stop my face from going beet red. But that happened too.

But that’s where I found myself when I recently decided (in a moment of sexually frustrated delusion, probably) to road test the Crave Vesper, a stunning necklace that doubles as a vibrator, for a week. Yep, great idea Liz (she says, oozing with sarcasm).Think of all the people who will want to read about your sure to be sexy and not at all embarrassing adventures! Think of the fact that you’ll get a new vibrator! Think about your new pretty piece of jewellery!

But when you have an editor like I do (love you Nadia, I swear!), who loves to push the boundaries when it comes to sex talk, you can bet your new assignment is going to have more to it than just “wear a necklace for a week”.

Let’s rewind a little, shall we?

Discovering the vibrator necklace.

I’d been scrolling through my Instagram, mindlessly clicking on pretty picture after impeccable flatlay, when I stumbled upon a necklace. But this, as you can imagine, wasn’t any normal necklace (what gave it away?). It resembled a little vial… a small silver bar nestled between the perky bust of a no-doubt nubile young thing. I was about to keep scrolling when I saw the words “vibrator necklace”.

 

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And that, my friends, caused me to pause. “That thing is a vibrator?” I thought. I’d have had no clue had it not been right there in the caption. And then I thought of all the ways it could come in handy (no, not like that… well actually exactly like that, so…). Like, if you left it out on your nightstand by mistake it wouldn’t look suss at all. And if you were travelling you wouldn’t be paranoid about the TSA opening your bag to see some massive, veiny penis-shaped vibrator shimmying and shaking over your unmentionables because the button got knocked. And best still, you could wear it as a regular necklace and if you were feeling a little tense, you could tell someone you had “business” to attend to, then slip out and get busy with yourself.

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So of course I mentioned it in our story pitch meeting. And of course my editor loved the idea of me wearing it around for a week. “But you can’t just wear it, there has to be a reason you have it on hand. Oh my god, you have to slip out and use it at work!

Shit.

I should have known before pitching this to an editor who loves sex and a good salacious headline.  I laughed, nodded and smiled, while inside going “how the fuck am I going to do that?! Everyone will know! Everyone will stare!”

When the necklace arrived, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. A sleek, silver bar with a gorgeous rose gold cap and matching rose gold chain. If you didn’t already know it was designed to provide intense sexual pleasure there’s no way you’d guess from the design

And in the continuation of the sneaky vibe of the device (see what I did there?), you just twist the cap off and there’s a charge port, tiny pinhole that connects to a USB. I could already tell I was gonna love my little Vesper.

In order to prep myself for what I’d gotten myself in for, I mentally ran through a checklist of the events I had on that week that now had to be accompanied by my new sex toy. Work, a meeting or two, couple of interviews, dinner with friends and … crap. Oh crap. Speed dating.

Yep, I was gonna go speed dating wearing a vibrator around my neck. Excellent timing as usual, Liz.

My new vibrator really goes off. No, really.

The first day I walked into the office with the necklace on, I didn’t want to catch anyone’s eye. I felt like I had a giant neon sign flashing above my head that said “this girl has a sex toy on her chest and she’s not afraid to use it! Actually she is afraid to use it here. At home, fine, but here? Totally different story”. (Yes I know it’s very long for a neon sign, shut up).

As I said hello to everyone, I held my breath and … nothing. No one mentioned it. No one noticed. No one even said “Hey, that’s an interesting looking necklace.”

This little toy was both sassy and sneaky and I liked it.

It took two days before someone said, “Oh, that’s an interesting necklace!” And apparently I turned bright fricking red because she immediately went, “Oh is that the necklace?!”

“Oh, um, yeah, it’s ah… yeah,” I stammered like an idiot.

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“Oh my god!” my coworker said at what I felt like was the top of her voice. “You can’t even tell! I wouldn’t have even noticed! That’s genius! Is it good? Have you used it?”

Pretty soon others’ ears had perked up. “What necklace?” “I really want to ask but you’re talking so secretly I feel like I shouldn’t!” “How do you mean used it?”

Side note – here are some of the many ways women can achieve orgasm. Post continues after video.

Video by MMG

I confessed red-faced what the necklace really was and we all laughed til we cried, and I swear to god I kept getting side eyes from the women in my office for the rest of the afternoon each time I came back from the bathroom.

Which reminded me… I needed to try to use necklace this sometime. At work. Gulp. Which, you know, was a feat made all the more difficult because we don’t have single bathrooms at my office. It’s a strictly stalls-only situation. Working in an office full of women was an advantage, especially in a lifestyle publication environment because if I got caught, they’d laugh it off (and probably write a story about it). But I wasn’t sure my pride could survive it because as much as I talk the talk I am actually really shy. Like really shy

I crept into the bathroom, locked the door of one of the stalls and got ready to get in touch with myself. I took the necklace off, pressed the tiny button on the side to activate it, and moved it slowly down towards my lady bits and… The door swung open. I hurriedly shut the vibrator off and sat there, waiting, my heart beating like crazy

I heard the flush, the taps, the sound of the hand dryer and the sound of the door closing. Phew. Okay. Try again. I click the button and start to try to relax myself.

And the fucking door to the outer bathroom swings open again.

Since when is the restroom this fucking busy?! Doesn’t anyone get any work done around here? Can’t a girl masturbate in the bathroom in peace?!

After the third time of getting interrupted I gave up and walked back into the office. To some serious side eye.

Later that week was packed with so many things I was sure someone would notice the silver, glistening “scarlet letter” on my chest but no one did.

I was sitting in a meeting with some PR reps when I started to feel a little miffed that my necklace hadn’t caused quite the scandal I had thought it would. I must have had a disappointed look on my face because the rep of one of the brand’s I’d been desperately hoping to work with asked if everything was okay. I smiled, said yes I was fine, and composed myself, pulling my chair closer to the table.

And then I felt a familiar vibrating sensation around my chest area. Shit.

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The PR rep looked puzzled. I rapidly fumbled with my necklace, desperately trying to find the button that had seemed so bloody easy to accidentally push two seconds ago.

“Um, why is your chest vibrating?” the super important high profile PR rep asked.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity I managed to press the teeny off button. “It’s, um…” I wracked my brain for a reason as to why my necklace might be vibrating that didn’t include, “Oh this? It touches my vagina sometimes so I can get myself off wherever, whenever!”

“It’s actually… um… smart jewelry,” I explained. “Yes! Smart jewelry! It vibrates… whenever my phone rings. It’s a Bluetooth thing!” I say, a little too triumphantly.

She looked at me, questioningly. “Dooooo you need to answer it then?”

“Answer what?” I say blankly like a derp.

“Your phone?” she says.

“My phone?” Fuck yes my phone. “Oh. No. I pressed the button,” I brandish the Vesper at her. “See? It, um, sends the call to to voicemail! Haha so clever, so back to our conversation…”

I mean, it’s conceivable, right?

The speed-dating test.

Liz-trials-crave-vesper
"No one knows I'm wearing a vibrator around my neck." Image: Supplied.

I knew that if I was going to survive any of the questions speed daters might throw at me about my new sex necklace I was going to have to come up with answers. And they always say the best lies are based on truths so I began to brainstorm as many non-lie, technical truths as I could.

“It doubles as kind of a special fidget toy for when I’m restless.”

“It’s a design that really resonates with me.”

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“Isn’t it funny how a new piece of jewelry can sometimes just make you really, really happy?”

“It’s a nice finishing touch to the outfit, don’t you think?”

“I’m just really getting in touch with my jewelry side lately.”

“It’s a very spiritual necklace… helps me feel the vibrations of the universe.”

I was so pleased with myself that I was actually really goddamn disappointed that not a single personmentioned my necklace, or asked about it or anything. She’s a sneaky little devil, my Vesper.

I suppose I should be happy that my potential dates didn’t want to talk jewelry.

How it actually, er, performed.

So I know you’re wondering whether or not I did manage to test out the actual non-jewelry function of my vibrator necklace. The answer to that would hell yes, I did.

I even managed to use it while out and about; slipped away during drinks with friends “for a quick touch up” (You’re welcome). And let me just say that little thing is a fricking pocket rocket.

I’d have expected a little buzzy feel, but this baby packs the nice, deep, rumbly vibes of a vibrator three times its size. Also in another little surprise, the Crave Vesper heats up with use so there’s a nice warm feeling which adds to the sensations. (And yes, the instructions said this was definitely supposed to happen.)

The best part? This baby had me reaching climax so quickly that no one even wondered where I was! I went back to the table, and had one of the most relaxed drinks of my life.

I ended up buying a slightly longer chain for the vibe, so I could wear it more often. The one it came with had it sitting directly at boob height, which was a little too conspicuous for me.

So would I recommend it? Shit yes I would.

But for me, it was less about being able to masturbate anywhere anytime, and more about having a vibrator that’s discreet. I wouldn’t be shy accidentally leaving it out, or packing it to travel.

And I kind of sort of love being able to wear it in public like my own sexy little secret. That and coming up with as many innuendo puns as I can to explain it should people ask.

“Oh this necklace? I love it. It’s just the vibe of it, you know?”

This article was originally published by She Said and was republished here with full permission.

For related stories, check out:

Pleasuring Myself Isn’t Shameful It’s Self-Care
I Masturbate At Work. And You Should, Too
9 Reasons Why You Really Need To Masturbate With Your Partner

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