'No fancy moves, positions or dirty talk.' In defense of vanilla sex.

Last week, my boyfriend came home from the pub at 10pm smelling of beer but still relatively sober. 

He collapsed into bed beside me, told me he had missed me this week, and then we had sex. 

Sounds like a scene from Fifty Shades Of Grey, right? 

Well not really, but it’s a great example of what I assume most sex lives are actually like. 

Watch: How to have better sex. Post continues below.  

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It was the mid-week, easy going kind of sex we all know. 

Sure, there was passion in there but there was no choking, biting, slapping, extras, or add-ons. I wasn’t even on my period, so it was very straightforward. 

No sheets were harmed in the making of my orgasm. There were no fancy moves, positions, or even dirty talk. It wasn’t sex in a hallway or in a car or in a public bathroom or in a private room or in a nightclub.

It was just good, old-fashioned, vanilla sex. In our comfortable, familiar bed. And it was incredible. 

It was the first time all week that we’d really stopped and connected. 

Between differing work schedules, various social commitments and let’s face it, bloating, we hadn’t really had the chance to be together physically. 

Having sex made me feel like we’d found our way back to our usual rhythm. I find vanilla sex usually does that, resets you and reminds you that you aren’t just weirdly close housemates; you are also lovers. 


Now, I realise this isn’t a particularly exciting sex story; we didn’t even use handcuffs! But it’s the type of sex worth talking about because I’d argue it’s the kind of sex that most of us are having. 

It’s just that somewhere between Sex and The City and Fifty Shades Of Grey; everyone stopped talking about how good basic sex is.

Instead, we've all become hung up on appearing to be exciting and kinky. Aren't we all meant to be discovering anal while also incorporating vibrators while also considering introducing paddles into the bedroom?

Well, despite what pop and porn culture might be ramming down our throats, I don’t actually want my sex life to resemble Fifty Shades Of Grey. 

I want it to feel natural and organic. I don’t want to feel this sense of pressure that I need to appear more adventurous than I truly am. 

It's like vanilla sex has got a bad rap and it needs a glow up or a makeover to remind us how great it can be. 

Just once I’d love to see a really hot and sexy sex scene in a mainstream television show or film that featured missionary vanilla sex in bed, because usually when we do get presented with that sex it’s through the lens that we should find this boring or an indication the relationship is burnt out.

I mean, there’s a reason vanilla sex is so popular, and it is because it feels good. 

It’s nice, comforting but it can also be really hot.

Of course, I get it. When someone turns to you and asks, “what’s the best sex you’ve ever had?”, you don’t really want to respond with, “I had the best sex of my life on my Koala mattress I co-own with my boyfriend on a Sunday morning in missionary!” 

But truthfully, I think that might be the case and why is there any shame in that?

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