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A very serious investigation into why Vakoo was missing from The Bachelor last night.

To catch up on all the Bachelor Australia 2019 recaps and gossip, check out Mamamia’s recaps and visit our Bachelor hub page. Sign up to our “Mamamia Celebrity” newsletter for daily updates straight into your inbox, and join the conversation in our ‘Bach Lols’ Facebook group. We’ve got you covered. 

Dun Dun.

After being introduced to Vakoo Kauapirua in episode one of The Bachelor, we knew this was a girl we weren’t going to forget quickly.

The 23-year-old model was certainly not afraid to strut her stuff, rolling out a red carpet and telling bachie Matt Agnew “bam, I’m pregnant”.

“Once you go black you don’t go back,” she added as she flounced off into the Bachelor mansion wearing the pinkest of pink dresses you ever did see.

This is her story.

Here are some of the girl’s entrances. Post continues after video.

Video by Ten

At the cocktail party that followed, Vakoo was in peak form.

She once again rolled out her red carpet and proceeded to pout and pose her way down it in front of the 19 other girls.

Shy this girl is not.

But last night, while the weird territorial cat fight was unfolding on our screens, people noticed that someone was… missing.

Vakoo – and her red carpet – were nowhere to be seen.

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And in the criminal justice system missing bachie contestants (and their red carpets) are considered to be particularly heinous.

In Australia, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as… Mamamia.

We spent hours walking the streets trying to crack the case and then we… looked at her Instagram story.

Catch up on the latest from the 2019 Bachie Mansion on our Mamamia Recaps Podcast… post continues below

Turns out, she’d been overcome by the dreaded conjunctivitis.

Dun Dun.

Highly contagious and very easily spread, the victim told her 17,000 followers of her anguish; “Conjunctivitis got the best of me before tonight’s rose ceremony.

“But never fear, Matt gave me my rose off camera.”

vakoo
vakoo

But we at Mamamia, knew there was more to the story.

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Why no explanation from show producers? Why was it the victim who unveiled herself as a missing person? Something wasn't right.

This was a matter for the lead detective dispatched to the special bachie victim's unit, someone willing to get their hands dirty and sift through the editing room off-cuts in the Channel Ten studios.

Sardines.

The offcuts (and a podcast we heard a few days ago from ex-bachie contestants, shhh) helped us to piece together the exact dimensions of the scene of the crime.

Girls are forced to live in bunk-bed laden dorm rooms like sardines. The proximity of their eyeballs and therefore the risk of conjunctivitis-geddon is high.

After forcing Osher to cough up clues by withholding the only bottle of Pantene he brought to the mansion to help tame his enviable locks, we had answers.

Vakoo was forced into solitary confinement, turned out into the cold to protect the masses. Forced to live in the Alpaca shed overnight with nothing but the folds of her pink dress to shelter under.

A producer was spotted on CCTV dropping off eye drops and a raid was undertaken.

Under duress he cracked.

"It's only day two people, DAY TWO. WHAT IF THEY ALL GO DOWN? I HAD TO, FOR THE SAKE OF THE RATINGS.

"I HELPED HER POST THE INSTAGRAM OKAY. IM SORRY."

The producer in question was sentenced to five days of translating Kristen's Mandarin in post production.

Vakoo will be appearing in episode three of The Bachelor, but the fear of contagion is still real.

Thanks to the producer's actions, Vakoo was only treating the viral infection with eye drops. So Osher's had to hot-foot it down to the chemist and get some antibiotics, which take 24 hours to kick in.

We'll have to wait till next week to see if he got to her in time.

Dun Dun.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

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