real life

So... Science just proved that the vaginal orgasm doesn't exist.

Science has discovered the vagina is a little more complicated than this. Well done science!


So it turns out everything you’ve ever been told about the vaginal orgasm is a big, fat unsatisfying lie. Also the g-spot doesn’t exist, your clitoris is a female penis and sex doesn’t have to be over as soon as the man ejaculates.

Don’t be frightened you guys, we’ll get through this together.

A new study in the latest issue of Clinical Anatomy has revealed that – shocker – women don’t actually just magically climax after being jack-hammered by their significant other’s peen. In fact, study authors Vincenzo and Giulia Puppo insist that any kind of vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation is a myth (a myth invented by lazy men who no doubt just wanted to thrust and nap):

“The vaginal orgasm does not exist… The only way women can orgasm is through stimulation of the female penis, or, the clitoris.”

So, basically, science has discovered that sex isn’t all about men. And only 45 years after we put humans on the moon!

Well done, science.

But, smug eye-rolling from me aside, this discovery really is probably better late then never, since some women are confused as shit about how they are supposed to be getting pleasured in bed.


And no freaking wonder – watch one sex scene in a movie and you’d be convinced that all it takes for a woman to climax is some kissing in the rain, followed by a few romantic thrusts. Watch one sex scene in a porn and you’d be convinced that all it takes for a woman to climax is to have a penis in her ear and a dildo up her bum (followed by a few romantic thrusts).

Can we really blame everybody for thinking that all it takes for a woman to scream in pleasure is, well, a few romantic thrusts?

A friend of mine recently came to me because she was concerned she’d never had an orgasm. After a (slightly drunken) conversation, we got to the bottom of her problem. She assumed that once the penis went in, an orgasm would just ‘happen’ for her. Just like that. She actually, genuinely didn’t understand that it might take more work than her star-fishing it on the bed and letting him go for gold.

I also once had a boyfriend who would get incredibly frustrated whenever I would try to coax him into working on my clit-area. He actually told me that he found it ‘offensive’ that vaginal sex wasn’t enough for me. It really annoyed him that I didn’t just scream like a porn star the second he blessed me with the honour of his glorious peen in my vagina.


So, while I’m happy to admit that I’ve never had a straight-up vaginal orgasm (BECAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST PEOPLE – SCIENCE SAYS SO), I know there are still many confused people out there who can’t understand why ladies don’t break in half from pleasure the second a penis thrusts into them.

These people are my friends. They’ve been my (unfortunate and thank glob in the past) boyfriends. I’m sure it’s some of you reading right now.

But now science has finally given us the proof:

Shocker: Getting jack-hammered doesn’t work.

Ain’t no ladies climaxing from peen thrusts alone!

But don’t panic – the Puppo doctors who authored this study make it very clear that there is no reason all women shouldn’t be climaxing all the time. It just takes more than a few romantic thrusts:

“…in all women, orgasm is always possible if the female erectile organs, i.e. the female penis, are effectively stimulated during masturbation, cunnilingus, partner masturbation, or during vaginal/anal intercourse if the clitoris is simply stimulated with a finger.”

Now, this doesn’t mean that female orgasm during penetration is impossible; it just means that the orgasm isn’t because of the penetration. So, sorry boys – it’s not your glorious peen, it’s the clitoral stimulation that gets her off.

But that still takes skill. More skill than operating your peen like a jack-hammer. So get to work, lads – science has officially proved that those porn-star pleasure screams are a lie.

Because, and I feel like I need to say this one more time just to drive it home:


Science says so.

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So have you ever had a vaginal orgasm? Is that even a valid question anymore?