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A company has made beer that contains "the essence of a woman". Yes, it's what you think it is.

Anyone who’s ever read Perfume knows that bottling a woman’s essence is not just next to impossible, it’s also creepy as hell. And yet that’s what the creators of the world’s first “vaginal beer” claim to have done.

Introducing the craft beer equivalent of panty-sniffing, Bottled Instinct; brewed with bacteria from a woman’s vagina.

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Image: IndieGoGo

“Imagine woman of your dreams (sic), your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion,” the beer’s enigmatic creators Order of Yoni write breathlessly on their website.

“Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer.”

Using “hi-tech microbiology” the amateur scientists took lactic acid from the genitals of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova and used it as the basis of their home brew. Kind of like hyper-sexual homeopaths, I guess.

“The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfers woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into a dance with lovely angel,” they explain, exhibiting a Year 8 boy-level understanding of women… and science.

Weird Science screengrab 1200x630
Inside Order of Yoni’s secret headquarter’s, probably. Image: Weird Science
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In order to make their (wet) dreams a marketable reality, the Order have created a crowd funding page, which, in just under a week, has received a whopping 95 Euros in financial pledges, leaving them only 149,905 Euros from their goal.

It does seem odd credit card holders aren’t tearing their wallets apart to fund “the beer which (sic) every sip is a randez-vous (sic) with this hot woman of your dreams,” but it’s 2016, I guess, and maybe men have discovered talking to a woman is probably a quicker way to get a sense of her ‘essence’.

Or they haven’t watched this incredibly compelling sales pitch yet, who knows.

Anyway, it’s not just about funding one beer, apparently, it’s about a wider idea. Order of Yoni want to create a whole range of beers, as follows:

1.  BDSM ale – sour ale made with smoked plums and vaginal lactic acid bacteria of red-head or brunette model,

2.  Blond ale made with wheat malt, saffron and edible gold, with vaginal lactic acid bacteria of a blond-haired model or celebrity,

3.  Aphrodisia / Dionysia – wheat ale made with ancient strains of wheat, grape juice,

4.  Mona Lisa – brown sour ale with wooden chips, the tribute to the famous piece of art,

5.  Isis – Sour ancient wheat ale with roses,

6.  Cleopatra – Milk stout regarding to Cleopatra’s milk baths,

7.  Lady Godiva – sour ale with English hops.

Please, contribute now, it’s the yeast you can do.

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