beauty

'Just 12 rich-person beauty products I want but definitely don't need.'

Now, this is going to be a tough pill to swallow, but there are people (heathens) out there, who are of the opinion that an obsession with skincare and beauty is nothing more than vain, materialistic, unnecessary BS. 

And I know this because I’ve lived with at least two of them. The men-emy. 

Suffice to say, the man of the house these days is me... closely followed by a small, badly behaved Pomeranian – who, apart from losing his sh*t that one time I tried a charcoal mask, doesn’t seem to mind.

Watch: Speaking of face masks... check out how to make a DIY lip and face mask with coffee. Post continues below.


Video via Mamamia

Recently, I was struck down with a case of stress-related dermatitis. The worst part of this was that for over a week, even water stung my face and I couldn’t use anything except Sorbolene cream. Blegh.

During this terrible time I had two epiphanies. The first was that skincare actually has very little to do with looks, or even skin. Far from being a pursuit of vanity, it was actually akin to a spiritual ritual – a daily reminder to make time for myself. 

Losing those two little windows each day where I peacefully applied my products, affording myself a little love and care, I was at a sudden loss on how to unwind. Sorry, Sorbolene.

No longer able to slather and spritz my cares away, I did the next best thing. Got online. If I can’t do skincare, I’ll just look at skincare. Which is precisely what I was doing when I had epiphany number two: sometimes beauty IS materialistic, unnecessary BS.

But FFS don’t tell the men.

I mean, come on. Diamond encrusted make-up brushes! Solid gold moisturiser scoops! Special wrist covers that stop water dripping down to your elbows whenever you wash your face! Like... you’re going to have to use a towel afterwards, anyway. Is it really THAT HARD to also dry your arms!? 

I thought companies could sell, sell, sell just by putting 'baby' on something. But apparently you can flog some crap by slapping 'beauty' on it, too.

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Behold, some of my finest unnecessary finds. Still kinda want them, though. 

The Beauty Fridge, $219.95.

Nope, your eyes do not deceive you! That really is a tiny little $220 fridge for your products. Just to clarify, this one is not on my wishlist, mainly because my bathroom is so small I can’t even bend down to shave my legs without my ass hitting the tap, let alone fit in a fridge. 

Psst: Should we really be storing our cosmetics in a beauty fridge? Or is there no real difference between room-temperature and cold products? Find out on this episode of You Beauty.

Does it seem environmentally unfriendly? Hell yeah. Does the prospect of plugging an electrical appliance in next to the sink scream 'danger'? You bet. 

What’s wrong with the regular fridge? Beats me! According to one purchaser, the problem is "it isn’t in the room where I do my beauty stuff." But neither is the toilet, and you still walk there...

Dr. Dennis Gross Spectralite Faceware Pro, $696.

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Be still my beating heart, for I have coveted this $696 LED face mask for YEARS.

I treated myself to red light therapy the first time I dropped my twins off at daycare and it instantly took me from someone with bad skin to v. v. good skin and I’ve been a convert ever since. 

If you want to tell acne and wrinkles exactly where to go, AND look like a slasher from a horror movie while you do it, there are plenty of at-home LED masks available... but this one has a mouth hole juuuust big enough for a straw, meaning you can still sip your G&T as you use it – completely justifying its beyond budget cost.

Maaemo Citrine Crystal Infusion Water Bottle, $110.

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You can tell me all you want that only Greek shipping heirs would be ridiculous enough to spend $110 on a water bottle, but I don’t care. I need this in my life.

Citrine is my favourite of all the crystals just 'cause it’s pretty, but if you need any further convincing, it supposedly brings motivation, optimism, radiance and cheerfulness into your life, along with aligning all your chakras. 

Namaste, bitches!

LUX SKIN Facial Steamer, $37.

Currently slashed from $80 to a piddly 37 bucks, this cutting edge beauty gadget is a pioneer in the steam technology field. 

Or is it? 

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Because while there are many benefits to facial steaming, it’s only fractionally more effort to assemble the good old-fashioned kettle / salad bowl / towel jobby... and it’s FREE. Leaving you with $37 to spend on a pretty decent bottle of plonk and probably still get change.

Georgia Louise Cryo Facial Freeze Tools, $185.89

Are they silver-plated maracas..? Pink stemmed champagne flutes..? No! They’re $178 facial de-puffers – ya silly goose!

I know I shouldn’t want these. I really, really do. I mean a dessert spoon or a couple of those jingly Chinese medicine balls popped in the freezer for a bit could maybe do the same thing. I don’t even get a puffy face. But the thought of these chilly bad boys gliding over my skin on a hot and sweaty day is pretty much heaven. 

Plus, I could also use them for migraine relief... and jaw pain when that flares up. Don’t you just love a multi-use product?

Jillian Dempsey 24k Gold Sculpting Bar, $312.

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I’m ashamed to admit that I kinda want this one as well. It’s literally a vibrating clit-bullet on a stick. But it’s plated with real gold, and for $312 it will sculpt and contour your face with 6000 vibrations per minute. 

Apparently if you use it over a sheet mask, it will assist the serum in penetrating your skin. Aaaaaand, just quietly, this one has multi-use potential too... *wink*.

Nurse Jamie Anti Aging Pillow, $112.96.

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From the very same Nurse that brought us real platinum-infused moisturising cream, comes this $112 wrinkle-wrangling pillow! 

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this extremely uncomfortable looking headrest which also resembles a sex toy is currently sold out.

And please don’t shoot the messenger – but you know how this whole time you’ve believed that only genetics, Botox and facelifts could defy ageing? Well... the secret really IS beauty sleep. But only on this pillow. Pre-order now!

Auki Black Seed Oil, $200.

Want. Want, want, want, WANT. Totally exposing myself as a shameless beauty wh*re here, but I am obsessed with face oils. And even though this is an eye-watering $200 for 30ml, the B vitamins, fatty acids, peptides, minerals and phytonutrients contained in this 'lil bottle right here don’t lie... and yeah. I want them all over my face, at once.

Sol de Janeiro Brazilian Bum Bum Cream, $72.

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Look, call me naïve or whatever but the first time I heard about "bum bum cream" I thought it was a pretty silly name for something you’d put on your face... NEVER did I imagine that people were paying $72 for a tub of moisturiser for their BACKSIDES. But here we are. 

I haven’t tried it but 870 people have rated it a solid 4.7 stars on the Mecca website. So I’m intrigued. But for that price I’m totally expecting my arse to take itself to the gym before returning back to me, sans cellulite and fully squatted.

Mount Lai The Eye Mask, $48.

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LITERALLY ANYTHING FROM MOUNT LAI. Oh, my... this picture is actually porn to me. I’m obsessed with skincare, love me a good bit of quartz, and swear by traditional Chinese medicine – and in this brand those three worlds collide. 

I would write more, particularly about the jade comb and the rose quartz handled make-up brushes, but I can’t because I have to go now. Brb, about to drop a million dollars buying literally everything on this site. *Runs*.

Aesop Aromatique Room Spray, $63.

When you live in a house with a dog and two little kids that still sh*t their pants, making things smell nice is important. For that reason, I have aromatherapy sprays everywhere. EVERYWHERE. 

There are two in my car, I keep three on my desk, I have one beside the bathtub and I’ve even got a special "sleep" one that I anoint my pillow with every night before I go to bed. 

Honestly, I could have done without knowing that Aesop made $63 aromatic room sprays... because it’s pretty much my dream to live in a house that smells like an Aesop store, and that dream, my friends, just became a reality... hello Aesop-scented everything.

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The Daily Edited Monogrammed Beauty Cases, $69.95.

Name something more fabuluxe (I just made that word up, but I’m into it) than monogrammed leather goods... I’ll wait. 

Soon after my wedding, my husband gifted me a wallet from here with my 'new' initials on it. Now, I never actually changed my name, but I enjoyed the wallet nonetheless – and several years later it’s still going strong. Which is more than I can say for the marriage. So, it might be time for me to invest in a new one. 

Except this time – I'm absof**kinglutely getting personalised beauty cases, because I can’t think of anything more glamorous or convenient!

See more from Carly on her Instagram.

Check out more stories from the You Beauty Collective, where our beauty community talks all things skincare, makeup and more. 

Feature Image: @jilliandempsey; @carlysophia

Do you have your eye on any of the above products? Tell us in the comment section below!

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