I’m calling it. Sharing a house or an apartment is nothing like they made it out to be on Friends or The Secret Life of Us. The TV lied to us, guys.
If you’ve ever lived in a shared house, you know that sometimes it takes the diplomatic skills of Oprah, the patience of the Dali Lama and the healing power of all those bottles of wine you have stashed under your bed, just to make it through to the end of your lease period.
So if you’ve ever found yourself staring into the fridge wondering what that huge ball of mould used to be, you’ve probably met or even become at least one of these housemates at some point in your life:
The Instagram Guru.
This housemate is always on the cutting edge of what's trending on Instagram. She fills up your fridge with kale and $12 punnets of blueberries and wakes you up at the crack of dawn blending her pre boot camp smoothies and ‘grammin the hell out of them #wellness. She interrupts your Netflix binge to get just the right light for her totally natural #makeupfree selfie and you’re always tripping over the random Kmart homewares shrines that she creates all over the apartment.
The ‘I’m short on rent’ guy.
It's that time of the month when the rent is due and this guy is nowhere to be seen. After a flurry of text messages, you finally get a response from your MIA flatmate saying that something urgent has come up and he's going to be a little late with the rent. AGAIN. So you spot him. AGAIN. And three days later he turns up with a suspicious looking tan in the middle of winter and a brand new car.
The passive aggressive note-writer.
On the surface the passive aggressive note-writer is the perfect housemate. Always chirpy, pays their rent on time, and has never imprisoned hundreds of endangered reptiles in their bedroom. But deep down inside they’re harbouring some serious hate vibes. You see, this little ray of sunshine has anointed themselves the patron saint of share house etiquette. Just when you think it’s safe to use the last of the milk and not replace it straight away, you’re hit with a barrage of little yellow post it notes. Like everywhere. RUN.
The worst things our housemates have done. Post continues below.
The phantom housemate.
You’re pretty sure this housemate does exist. I mean you remember him moving in, he pays his rent and you could swear that you heard his footsteps in the hallway just the other night. But where the hell does he spend all his time? Is he a serial killer? Does he work for ASIO? Is this some kind of witness protection situation that you’ve found yourself in the middle of? And what’s that weird smell that’s coming from his room? Wait a minute – is he Alexander Skarsgard’s character from True Blood and he has to sleep in an underground tomb? Nope. He’s just some weirdo you found on Gumtree.
The best friend housemate.
You've just moved in with your best mate and you just know that you're going to have the most amazing time together. I mean what could be better than doing absolutely everything with your bestie? Three weeks later you can't understand what you ever saw in this person. And if you have to listen to their spoon scraping the bottom of their cereal bowl ever again or hear them cutting their toenails one more time, you're going to throw the goddamn TV out the window.
The Olympic sex champion.
This housemate's sexual conquests make you want to gather all the neighbourhood cats and create a blanket fort in your bedroom. You can’t even count the amount of times you whispered to yourself ‘Is that even logistically possible?’ and you’re starting to think that you’re living on the production site for a porno.
And just when you think it’s safe to venture out of your room you discover so many random pubic hairs in the bathroom that you could start running your own DNA lab.
The 'I'm too old for this shit' housemate.
If you ever become this housemate, you’ll suddenly understand what criminal defence lawyers mean when they say their client just snapped. You’ll be running around the house spraying every surface with Glen 20 and dreaming about cleaning the toilet bowl with your housemate’s toothbrush.
When you get to this point, it’s time to invest in that teeny, tiny studio apartment – at least those 4m X 4m will be all yours.