Here are 30 sad (but real) facts about being over the hill. And the sun setting quickly behind it…
Goodbye youth. Goodbye elasticity. Goodbye anyone under 25 – you’re annoying.
1. You ask your parents for ‘house things’ for Christmas and birthdays. Oooh, a wok; just want I’ve always wanted! (Legitimately)
2. Anything above the knee is carefully considered before purchasing.
3. Anything tight-fitting must be tried on before purchase. Actually, just don’t purchase it; it’s better this way.
4. Your weekends are planned around how much downtime you’re going to get. If planned at all.
5. You listen to the news on your drive to work.
6. After watching Cheer on Netflix, you mourn the loss of your youthful flexibility and risk-averse attitude. I can barely touch my toes, and even that is a risky exercise. Did my hamstrings just snap?
7. Hangovers last two days now. At minimum.
8. You go to bed earlier. Like way earlier. Like 8 p.m. (as soon as the sun is mildly out of sight, it’s acceptable).
9. Because beauty sleep is an actual thing.
10. You’re happy if plans get cancelled. In fact, you rarely commit to plans.
11. You read the maternity leave policy at work. Just in case.
12. Anyone under 25 annoys you.
13. Anyone 18 and under is always ‘12’ and should be in bed by now.
14. The volume at the movies is too loud. Like come on Hoyts, the screen is already too close for my eyes. Turn it down a decibel.
15. You opt for a one-piece rather than those itty bitty bikinis that show what you had for breakfast. But seriously when did a front G-string (or G-string bathers in any form) become cool?