Would you do it again?
That’s probably the most commonly asked question I’ve received since being on Big Brother back in 2013. Well, that and “why did you cry so much?” and “did you have sex in the house?” and “how did you take a sh*t with a camera staring you right in the face?”
Would I do it again? I don’t know…would I?
The answer changes from day to day, week to week, year to year.
Some days it’s “Absolutely! I would go back into that house tomorrow if I could! No regrets!” and other days my answer is something more along the lines of “What? Why? I barely made it out alive the first time. DON’T MAKE ME GO BACK IN THERE!”
Was it the most fun I’ve ever had? Yes.
Has it granted me some amazing opportunities including the chance to pursue my passions of travel presenting and writing? Yes.
Did I meet some incredible people, most of whom I still catch up with once or twice a week? Yes.
But it was also supremely difficult. The aftermath, mainly.
Another commonly asked question is: “What about The Bachelor/I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here/The Block/Celebrity Apprentice…” (you get my point).
Let’s forget the fact that it’s very, very rare a network would cast an ex-reality TV D-Lister who’s desperately trying to remain relevant (aka, me) on another show on a different network.
Sure, cross promoting is fairly common (you’ll notice nearly every single vaguely familiar face on ‘I’m A Celebrity’ last year was on, or has been tied to, another Channel 10 program) but for another network that isn’t Nine to agree to work with me? Not likely.
However, for the purpose of this article, I’m going to pretend the world is my oyster and that my brief stint living in a house with 24/7 camera access didn’t render me virtually un-hireable for any future television roles.
So, without further ado, here are my thoughts on how I think I would fare on Australia’s most beloved reality television programs:
Let’s face it; I’ve already had one “showmance”, so I’m basically a pro in this department.
With me playing the main protagonist and 14 semi-attractive dudes at my disposal? Sounds like my idea of heaven.
That being said, knowing me, I’ll probably end up kissing all of them, falling for the Bad Boy, eliminating all the good guys early on and ending up with a crush on my sexually confused make-up girl.
Competing with 21 women who probably have bigger boobs and thicker hair than me for the one guy? Absolutely not.
I’m a crazy, competitive, green-eyed monster at the best of times.
This show would only bring out the very worst in me. Besides, my “type” is so specific, unless the dude was 6”4’, had long hair, tattoos and could ride a skateboard- I’d be completely disinterested. That, or I’d end up convincing the other women that getting super-hammered and having a naked pillow fight was a great idea.
The Amazing Race:
I’m not much of a runner. It’s like, tiring and sh*t. Also, booking flights and making sure there are connecting transfers with like, different time zones etc is like, really, really stressful for me. So nah. I’ll pass on the “travelling adventure of a lifetime” and “million dollar prize money”, thanks though.
I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here:
Don’t get me wrong, I love camping as much as the next music festival hipster rocking a crochet bikini top and gumboots.
Last year was my 10th Splendour In The Grass festival and I’ve been known to construct a 10-man tent, in the dark, while intoxicated on Fruity Lexia. So the sleeping on camp beds, living on dirt floors bit I could deal with.
It’s the wildlife situation I can’t do. I am absolutely petrified of snakes. I’m talking cartoon snakes, rubber snakes, snakes safely kept behind glass walls…. anything that even looks REMOTELY like those slimy creatures throws me into a fully-fledged panic attack. The producers would know this. And they would use it against me for some award-winning television. No. Thank. You.
Australia’s Next Top Model:
Not only am I way too old (they like ‘em fresh and wide-eyed, not bitter and gagging for a baby), but I also love my food too much.
I love my food AND I hate working out. My bod looks great provided I have access to the 9 or 10 different iPhone editing apps that turn me from a sloppy 4 into a strong 7 and something tells me Jennifer Hawkins isn’t going to allow me that kind of luxury in the ANTM model mansion.
Unless I can spin some tear-jerking story about how the recipe for my famous instant, microwavable macaroni and cheese was passed down to me by my 90-year-old Nonna who migrated here from Italy with nothing but a block of cheese to her name…. I don’t think I could pull this one off.
I guess in hindsight, I had it pretty sweet on Big Brother.
All we Big Brother housemates had to do was lie around sun-baking all day, being ourselves.
We were told when to get up, when to go to bed. We didn’t have to worry about jobs or traffic or money or responsibility. None of us had to bring a particular skill to the table, or be good at anything except remembering to wear our microphones.
Meet Tully: Tully’s interview before entering the Big Brother House:
We always had food and water available, sometimes even piping hot KFC (thanks to our sponsors).
We slept in warm beds, competed in fun challenges (some of which resulted in real prize money) and got to get drunk and silly every Friday night like regular folk – but on TV.
So would I do it again?
That’s a definitely maybe.