I’ve done it again. I recently gave birth to another tiny human. I secretly thought the only way I’d be going through pregnancy and labour again, is the half chance of popping out a baby with a fanny.
Well, knowing my luck, a penis emerged.
Not sure what to expect during childbirth and labour? I've got you covered.
Are you ready?
I mean, are you sure you’re ready? Because these points might just want to make you go tie your tubes.
Dropping the first load.
Alright, no one told me that going for your first number two after you’ve just had a baby is comparable to trying to push Ayers Rock out of your rectals. It’s like giving birth for the second – or third time. After the placenta. Out of your bumhole.
Mamamia's new podcast Me After You explores how women's bodies change after having a baby. Post continues after audio.
Midwives are going to cheer you on while you hesitantly proceed to the hospital bathroom in unimaginable fear. Not only are you fearing for your life, but you hold the gravest of concerns for the health and safety of your rear-end orifice.
All of a sudden, you’ll feel the strong urge to believe in something. Anything. You’ll be praying to all the gods under the sun to send their blessings to your derriere, desperately hoping that the food you ate for lunch will roll out smooth as half melted chocolate. Amen.
That, ladies, is how I believe all religions began.
The bitch of an itch.
Ever had an itch that you just couldn’t scratch because it came from deep within your skin, or you’re scratching away but just can’t seem to hit the spot?
Lawd almighty, the postpartum itch was the worst I had ever experienced in my life. And it came from my body’s core.
I was damn near ready to stick a back scratcher up my tampon tunnel just so that I could give my healing uterus the scratch of a lifetime.
The ring of fire.
Ladies, UTIs ain’t got nothin’ on this inferno that ignites in your undies every time you go for a wee.
It’s unfortunate that we weren’t graced with dicks so that we can point our pee-holes away from the healing tears that childbirth brought about, so we are left with a raging bushfire every time we run to the loo to relieve our bladders.
So, I was probably being a bit ambitious thinking that hiking by foot with a toddler was achievable. The hike lasted about 20 mins before we sat down and I watched Meatball attempt to eat and throw rocks for the next half hour, refusing to walk any further. . . . . . @visitmelbourne @australia #melbournetodo #melbournemade #melbournekids #MelbourneSights #travelisthenewclub #traveldeeper #traveldiaries #ilovetravel #travelgram #travelfamily #worldtravels #thehappynow #welivetoexplore #worldplaces #mytravelgram #travelinspo #wanderlust #vagabond #travelphotography #worldtraveler #seetheworld #mysomewhere #travelbug #traveltheworld #letsgoeverywhere #globetrotter #passionpassport #passportready #wildandfree