The tell-tale signs that you know someone with too much money.

Too much, too much.

This week, a 20 year old set fire to the Ferrari that his dad gave him because he wanted to get the insurance money to buy a better Ferrari. This same dude has 14 other cars including a Lamborghini.

[You might be interested in hearing that the courts sentenced this guy to a fine of less than $50k.]

Now, we’re not all setting fire to cars, but some people just have way too much money. So much money that they are prepared to do the weirdest shit just to find new and ridiculous ways to part with it.

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That’s for my life coach! That’s for my coconut water! That’s for my sea salt spray!

For example, if you move into a new house and you hire someone to cleanse the air of bad ju-ju or negative energy left behind by the former residents, you’d better check yourself: you might actually have too much money.

Sure, if there was a murder in the house before you move in, you might want to call in some crime scene cleaners, but if you hire a woman in a lavender frock to wave around some burning herbs and mumble some rubbish they heard on Oprah, then you may as well set your salary on fire.

If you own a horse, you’re probably too loaded. Sure, you can ride it around, but you can’t ride it anywhere important like to work or to the shops. If you must buy an oversized pet that lives in a box on the other side of town, you can just pay my rent. If you want to meet up occasionally to brush my hair, I’m down with that.

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Got a horse? THIS IS YOU.

If you actually buy your lollies at the snack bar at the cinema, rather than at the supermarket beforehand, then you may as well leave your purse under the seat when you leave. The same goes for beer and coffee that fancy cinemas bring you. It’s why you have pockets, a hoodie and a Thermos.

If you buy brand name shoes for your baby, you’ve got too much coin. They don’t need the arch support – they can’t even walk. If you cut some fingers off your old gloves and put them on the baby’s feet, they would probably be fine.

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Babies. Agave. Books on cleaning.

Protein power is adult baby formula. It’s weird and expensive and tastes like someone put Milo in your Mylanta. You know what isn’t those things? Steak.

If you buy the same movie on Blu-Ray that you already own on DVD: you may as well be wiping your bum with Dame Nellie Melba’s face (or Sir John Monash if you use the other side as well).

If you can’t be bothered to walk across the shopping centre to find your bank’s ATM, you should be careful you don’t throw your back out carrying around all that extra money you seem to have.

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Cat palace. Monogrammed anything. Reiki.

If you pay $15 for a milk shake, you might be too cashed up. And if you line up for two or three hours for the pleasure of drinking a milkshake that you read about on the internet then you’ve also got too much time on your hands.

See also: Gourmet fried chicken. Life coaches. Sydney. Coconut oil.

If you’re doing any of the above, you probably also enjoy diving into your vault every night and swimming around like Scrooge McDuck.

Good for you. Me? I’m off to let some rich kid sit on my back for a few hours.

 

For more like this:

“Haven’t we reached peak hipster cafe bullshit yet?”

8 much better ways to spend Bronwyn Bishop’s travel money.

Unpopular opinion: Please stop asking me for money on Facebook.

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